COLD FEET (Ongoing✅✅)

PROLOGUE

On the 27th of August 2019, I sat in front of my reading table, scribbling a note in my dairy;

I had gone back to journaling again.

My psychotherapist (who is also my husband to be in a month's time) said it would help reduce the post traumatic stress disorder(PTSD) symptoms that had been tormenting me for a year now, this sounded strange to me at first because, I was told forgetting the past was a better way of embracing healing.

Surprisingly, my fiancé had challenged me to face it. He said the best way to conquer the recurring images taunting in my head, was to look them in the eye and allow my mind's eye unravel all I had kept buried for years.

So, I decided to embark on a journey of unfolding every memory, telling my story and hoping it'd also be a survival guide to all those who might have faced the same fate, just as I did. Well, this sounds philanthropic but, if this is where my healing starts then...

I inhaled deeply, grabbed the cup of my usual evening herbal tea and sipped.

I cleared an invincible throttle in my throat. God,I was damn nervous!

But, I had to do this.

I had my life all planned out on paper since I was nine years old.

Talk about a young girl so full of vision, one who knew her onions and was so focused on where she was headed. But these were the lies I made people believe of me. I had them thinking I had my life all planned out and was ready to go for whatever I wanted. I lied. Not just to them but to myself.

Because each time I claimed I needed retreats to build upon my vision, I laid lifeless hiding beneath the shadows. The several months I spent building in the secret place, were embedded in my fears, analyzing every of my life's pursuits. My problem was not in the fact that I had no idea of my life's purpose but that I was always on the run because I was fully aware.

This began when I was seventeen years old..

The day I had met him.

For a girl who suffered teenage depression all through her life, even as a preteen, I thought awakening love would be my pathway to healing.

"Hey, Doxa!!!" I heard his voice, shouting my name down the corridor. I gave myself the appellation "Doxa" when I was twelve. In quest of my purpose, the name came into being, I just knew God had a glorious destiny for me so I decided to be called "Glory" in Hebrew.

"Yeah, hi" I smiled, waving back at him.

"Doxa!!!" He teased as I gave him a side hug. I was never a huge fan of hugging people especially guys; side-hugs were the best I could ever do. My reason; I believe it shouldn't be swiftly revealed at the beginning of my story.

"How are you doing?" he asked, still in the warm embrace

"Fine," I was still smiling gleefully and don't blame me. It's not like it wasn't worth it. He was drop alive gorgeous.

You can't possibly "drop dead" when you see a guy so tall, with well-formed biceps, the one that illustrated his perfectly defined torso and was very evident that he was faithful to the gym; a fair cream colored skin tone, with thick well carved eye brows, and curly hair styled in a fade off style, need I amplify that he had pink lips too; full, fleshy and fluffy.

Yes, yes, exactly what you think I am thinking!

Luis was my spec. My perfect definition of 'Mr Handsome" like,who wouldn't behold his alluring facade and be smitten?

"You smell nice", he sniffed me as we withdrew the hug. " thank you," I blushed, there was also something delicate about his compliments that always swept me off my feet.

"You welcome, are you busy this evening?" He asked, giving me a light smile with his mixed American accent.

"Emmm...no, why?" I knew why. He usually asked this whenever he missed me.

At this point,I must admit, I am even scared to continue narrating. I'm afraid I would rip open my scars again. Had I known that my spec was going to turn me into a speckled shattered glass I would have resisted.

What happened that evening ripped me in shreds.

It was a very long night. Felt like eternity had arrived with damnation beckoning upon us.

I pleaded before we began our usual journey of exploration...somehow, I was sensitive to the angel of death lurking around.

"Luis, please, we can't continue like this, I could get pregnant."

I was ovulating each time we went on these roller coaster rides. So, I wasn't speaking out of fear. I knew what was going to happen if we didn't stop at that very moment.

"I love you...oh gosh, please, I love you," these words...the same words I had craved to hear from the lips of those who claimed to love me, the same words he had used to cajole me from the very beginning.

I couldn't resist. If letting him have his way was the only way I could repay him for making me feel loved and giving my whole life a sense of self-worth, then I would do it.

That night, I lost my life giving life to his seed...

This memory, the flashbacks of my past sins always replayed before me. Whenever I tried stepping out, I felt not good enough. Words of condemnation, guilt, doubt and shame were what chimed like alarm bells into my ears and no matter how much I tried, I believed I was never going to be qualified for the good life ahead of me.

Somewhere, deep down in my belly, I kept on hearing voices that my quest for success was not for me and I was never going to be worth it. I was not fit to ever make it in life; the one I lived in the past validated this fact.

When would I be able to let the whole world know that the woman they envisaged I was becoming was never going to be?

How do I tell them that I have been living a lie all this while?

As I write this to you, all of a sudden, it feels like the contents in my cup from which I gulped few minutes ago was ice, sending shrills down to my feet.

Right now, my feet feel cold.

I think I must have developed cold feet.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hey there!

Thank you so much for reading!

As for my new readers (and old readers) thank you so much for coming through!

I am so excited to have you embark on this fresh start with me❤

I'd do a "Meet The Author" post soon(not really soon😁) but till then, let me know what you think about the prologue of this story in the comment section.

Share, vote by clicking the star button and do not forget to invite your friends over too.
Till then,

Remain Illustrious❤