Jesus's Gay, God's Black.

Disneyland

Oh boy. How do you start a story anyway? 'Kids, would you like to hear a story? Once upon a time, there was a little girl that almost killed everyone. Including you. Back to bed.'

I rate six out of five stars to any parent or parents like that. If your mum or dad's this kind of person, give them a high five or a hug for me. Please.

Actually, that sums up nearly everything you need to know in this story. So really, you're finished with reading the book! Well done and congratulations. Close the book now, please.

No? Okay, whatever. I wasn't going to let you off the hook that easily anyway.

You know how some people tell you that you'll be going to Hell?

(Ahem, Christians. Your cue to leave.)

Well, if anybody tells you that, give a big thank you to them and a warm hug. With kisses. Hell's actually a very nice place, minus the screams in the background. Oh, but don't worry. After living here for years, you'll get used to 'em fast.

Hey, even the people here are pretty nice. Most people actually end up here in Hell because, well, they haven't done anything wrong. I mean, people end up here because either they don't believe in God, they're gay/lesbian/bisexual etc., or they've just sinned. Plain and simple.

Again-Christians. If you hate the story so far, go ahead and close it. No offense taken.

Anyway, I might be saying all this mushy-mushy good stuff about Hell because I'm Satan's daughter.

Yeah, you heard me right.

You might be thinking two things. They're either: 'Cool!' or commonly, 'Ew, this book is gross. It mentions gay people too.' If you're the first one, you might get the hang of things around here. Second? You probably should reconsider your book choices and tastes (either that or you're still a Christian hanging on). This one might not be for you. Again: No offense taken.

'What's Hell besides gay people and screaming anyway?'

Ha, funny you ask.

Well, think of Hell as, like, Earth with a little more spark and fun to it. We have all the normal stuff like deserts, forests, beaches, towns, provinces, major cities, etc.

The thing is, once you die and go to Hell , then you stop aging and you can't get pregnant. However, the ones that were born here have a specific age they age to. Take me, for example: I stopped aging at 15, but in reality I'm around the 550 year range; I stopped counting after 500. So basically, you get to be internal grandmother and grandfather gangsters here.

The thing that powers everything? It's called the Core, and nobody knows where it is. Supposedly, it's hidden somewhere in our capitol city, Purgatus, A.K.A. Latin for the word 'pure'. If the Core gets destroyed, then our whole civilization of Hell collapses. Fun with a capital 'F'.

Hell sounds pretty nice now, right? Well, there is one flaw in our civilization thing. Let's look at it like this: What do you think of when someone mentions Hell? According to artists and the regular stereotype, it's a pretty messed up place.

The thing that those artists and stereotypes missed is that Hell has a destructive teleportation device that sucks up anything-from animals, to people, even whole buildings-and transports it back to Earth.

It's called Grind.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I would love to go to Earth as a tourist, but if you get sucked up by Grind, you won't end up as a newborn. Instead, you'll just be yourself, but the downside is that you'll either be in a terrorist group, homeless, in jail for no particular reason you'll know of, or your new life on Earth will start off as one of the three, but then you'll be a victim of a murder or something.

Not fun.

But the worst thing about Grind isn't ending up as one of these four. The process which gets you to Earth is by far the worst. Once you get sucked up, you go through a process of dismemberment over and over again. Doesn't sound much, but imagine your body gets chopped up into pieces while you're still conscious the whole time. Not really Disneyland-like.

Oh, but we do have a Disneyland in Hell. Happiest place in Hell, am I right.

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Author's note: This is so pathetic.