cologne (hyunlix)

1

it had been three years since the debut. stray kids had grown a pretty sizable fanbase since then, but more fans also means more publicity. it seemed like everything the boys did was noticed by fans. every glance, every movement, every breath. even if it didn't mean anything, stays would sometimes blow it out of proportion.

felix knew stays cared. they noticed everything in order to make sure the boys were doing well, to make sure they were eating, not overworking themselves, or secretly being abused by staff. but it got to the point where felix felt like he couldn't breathe. he wished he could say that to stays sometimes. but due to their contract, stray kids had to keep a perfect image, so anything out of the ordinary wouldn't cut it.

bang chan always advised the members to stay off of social media. it wasn't good for them to be reading hate comments. they could have the official stray kids accounts, since they only followed other companies on there, but that was it. surely felix didn't listen. he had an anonymous twitter account, instagram, and even tiktok. he knew the other members probably did the same, maybe even their leader himself.

he always rewatched old interviews and music videos, and read the comments that stays left about him. he would play these videos again and again, criticizing himself for everything he said and did. felix knew it wasn't good for him, but it was the only thing that made him feel in control.

he was alone in the living room of their dorm. all of the other members were in their own bedrooms. bang chan and changbin roomed together, jisung and minho, seungmin and innie, and hyunjin and himself. at times like this, when he wanted to use his social media, he'd go where no one else was around.

he had been mindlessly scrolling through twitter for a while, until he came across a video about himself and hyunjin. he had always been close with hyunjin, just as he'd been close with all his members. he loved them a lot, it was the only family he had apart from the one in australia. they helped him learn the korean language and culture, and never made him feel bad for not knowing something. he treasured all of them so much, and felt so lucky that he was able to debut with them.

but in the video he watched, stays were analyzing how hyunjin and felix acted. how they looked at each other, how they would hug each other and hold hands, and just their friendship overall. felix felt his breath hitch. he scrolled down and looked at the replies, which were full of stays arguing over whether it was a friendship or a relationship.

sure, stays shipped the members sometimes. "minsung" was a popular one. minho and jisung often played along with it, they thought it was hilarious, actually. but felix and hyunjin? felix was still insecure about his sexuality. he never let himself think about it after leaving australia. the kids from school often bullied him for being different from the others. they would call him homophobic names and leave him out of everything. if he hadn't left australia, he sometimes didn't even know if he'd still be alive.

the worst part of it, though, was that he never actually came out or anything. the kids just saw something in him that made him different. what felix hated even more than that, was that they might've been right. maybe he was gay. they could all easily tell, and they took that from felix and stomped on it. felix never had the chance to figure it out for himself.

his mother was his main support. she always told him that the bullies were jealous of his heart. they saw how felix lived his life by loving everything and everyone, and it made them angry since they didn't know how to do that themselves.

the blonde watched the video once more. he wished stays would stop being so delusional. he wanted nothing more than to find the part of himself that made people assume he was gay, and lock it away.

as he sat, lost in thought, he heard a familiar voice, "yongbok? you're shaking. what are you looking at?"

felix quickly locked his phone and jumped up to meet eyes with his pink haired roommate.

"hyung, i-i'm sorry, i was just about to go to b-bed," felix didn't notice the tears coming from his eyes or his stuttering.

"you look upset, bokkie... are you sure you don't want to talk?" hyunjin asked, with a worried look in his eyes.

felix had already gone back to their room, leaving the taller boy feeling confused and uneasy.

he needed fans to stop thinking he had feelings for hyunjin. he needed to stay away from him, even if it ruined their close bond.