Behind the Scenes

SCENE EIGHT: PAT TALKS

I know that it's Pran's private room. He has the right to allow anyone in or kick them out whenever he wants to. It's his right. But what makes my heart drop is that Pran has never chased me out with such cold eyes before. The feeling that Pran chose that guy, that he worried for that pigtailed monkey who was always in a bad mood, instead of for me, whom he had known since birth. It makes me both sad and angry.

I had forgotten Nong Hom at his place but I walk back to my room regardless. Our rooms are less than a meter apart but it takes me a long time to twist the doorknob and push the door open.

I know that I was too harsh to that lame guy today. He didn't even have time to fight back. But the growing frustration within me begged me to just punch him a few more times. My face turns dark. The more I recall the image of Pran being nice to him, the more I want to make that person disappear. He could even die. Who cares anyway? I sure don't.

Oh... right... The person who kicked me out of his room just a few minutes ago cares.

I was hot-headed and admit that I feel guilty for punching Pran like that, even if it was unintentional, because I hit him so hard. I never thought that I would ever actually punch Pran with such force again after elementary school.

After being alone for a while, the feeling of guilt begins to engulf me. I hurt Pran's body but I also hurt my own heart in doing so. Because of this, I intend to sincerely apologize to him from my heart.

But Pran probably wouldn't want to listen to that.

"What's wrong, Pat?" my sister, who is painting her toenails in my room, asks when she sees me standing in front of the bedroom door. The smell of nail polish fills the air. In the past, I probably would've started to complain about this to Pa. But this time, even though the young lady left the door open and let the pungent smell permeate the air, I have no intention of telling her to paint her nails on the balcony like usual.

I sigh. I look at the fist I had punched Pran with and it makes me want to go back and punch him again. What right does he have to make me feel so bad that I want to cry like this?

"What is it, Pat? What's wrong?"

"I had a fight with Pran."

"Again?" Pa lets out a sigh of relief before frowning when she sees that I don't talk back to her even a little bit. "What kind of fight was it? The same as usual?"

"Well, I punched him but he didn't punch me."

"Pat! What did you do to Pran? How is he?"

"It would be good if you went and took a look at him."

"And why don't you go to see your friend?"

"I did..." I remain silent for a moment. I want to go and help dress his wound but I don't think I can anymore. "But I don't think he wants to see my face."

"Are you really angry at each other? Didn't you two stop being angry at each other a long time ago already, or am I mistaken? What even made you get into a fight in the first place? Plus, you usually don't just stop after the fight is over. It's never been like this before."

"Hmm," I grumble to avoid answering any of her questions. I don't know what to say. I just don't like that bastard. I don't like him and I don't care whether it makes Pran angry or not. If you want to call me a bully, I'm not going to argue against it. But the feeling of jealousy and wanting the other person to belong to me is real.

"Wait a minute, calm down first and then we can talk."

"God, fuck it!" I answer and go to take off my shirt, throw it on the bed and then lay down. I don't know when I started feeling like this. Since I can remember, no matter how hard we fight, Pran might get angry or upset but in the end, when we're alone, I'll be his number one. I have never thought about showing this feeling that's growing in my heart. No one needs to know about it. Until one day, when I reach the point where I just can't stay in my safety zone anymore. The feeling I have been suppressing is ready to erupt.