Quarantine

Better Left Unsaid

I don't know why I'm being like this, I think I was jealous or what I don't, I don't know why, I think I'm crazy (sigh) Nevermind.

As I watched her talk to his boyfriend I kinda felt uncomfortable, I just want to disappeared and gone in instant. Am I nothing to her or what, his boyfriend doesn't like me she said to me, I felt sad and depressed knowing that my girl best friend has a boyfriend now, I'm still happy for her though.

I lay down in the bed and turned the lamp on.

I always felt like this whenever someone I truly trust and loved find another one that is more better than me. No one will ever know the feeling of being rejected by someone you'd invited and that exactly what she did to me, everytime I invited her she would always refused and I don't know the reason, I was left clueless, wondering, and thingking what did I do wrong for her to do that to me, does she find another one that will make her happy and she's only there if she needs something to me.

James then cry himself to sleep.

And then he played his favorite sad song, it's "You all over me" by Taylor Swift.

Here we go again playing sad and depressing songs just to ease my pain and forget about everything that happened. I've always wanted to have someone to talk to, to love, to hug and to cuddle, I wish I had a girlfriend to comfort me when I'm sad and depressed.

Time will come and the right person will come, I've been waiting for a very long time, but I always say that the right person will come in the right and perfect time, I just need to wait and I don't have to chase love. I think I'm just gonna sleep again, I just wanted to be alone. I had a crush from other section and I don't even see myself being with my girl best friend, but why I felt like this, I don't want to hurt anybody, I want to love when it's not convenient, I want my first love would be my forever and I don't want to have a lot of exes.

She just said a few weeks ago that she don't want to be friends with me anymore, it hurts me so hard and it literally made me cry, the first week after she said that I didn't felt anything I just ignored it and just play video games all alone just to ease my loneliness and the pain. I wanna say sorry for all the things I showed and say to her, there are so many things I wanted to say to her, and there are so many things that I wanted to change in myself, I wanted to be strong, I wanted to change the way I treated people, I wanted to change the way I used to be. Why am I apologizing I'm not the one who did that she's the one who did that, so it's her not me.

After Zara (James best friend) left James with unclear reasons why she left him, James started to be himself, he started to change, he started to improve and to change the way he used to be. James become a strong independent man than he ever was before. He wasn't the James people know, he is completely brand new.

It's almost 3 months after she made her decision, I will never forget that day, but I'm trying to forget it because I wanted to be the best version of myself that I'm not affected by what had happened and I wanted her to realize how worthy I am. "My heart is big but not big enough to deal with people who decided to love me when it's convenient for them".

I don't wanna ruin my day, because right now I'm doing better than I ever was. Being alone is better than being surrounded by so many fake people, when you're alone, you're starting to realize how wonderful life is and being alone, no toxic people, no fake people, no stress and no problem.

There's still a lot of things that I wanted to say to her but nevermind I think those things are never important and big deal for her so I guess it's better left unsaid...