When I woke up, I noticed that something was wrong. I couldn't say what, because my eyes were still closed. But I was 99% sure, that I should've woken up somewhere else.
The crazy thing was: I felt safe in an unfamiliar way. I was lying on something soft and under a thick and warm blanket.
The air smelled clean and I was surrounded by a steady, comforting buzzing.
But: As much as I wanted to relax, I couldn't. All of this wasn't right , it seemed unnatural.
And then I knew exactly why.
You don't wake up out of intoxication with the feeling of warmth, security, safety. You are hung-over, sad, scared.
I should've lain on my hard mattress and under my too thin, torn blanket.
I sould've smelled exhaust fumes and be almost deaf due to the honking cars.
With this knowledge my panik rose.
Where was I and how did I get here?
Then suddenly the saving thought came to me: Maybe I am just dreaming...
No... that couldn't be... I never dreamt something nice...
To be honest, I have dreamt about the exact same thing for years. Every single night.
As soon as I closed my eyes, I always saw my mom how she ran, completely stoned and unable to realise anything,in front of a car.
The driver just kept driving.
Either he didn't care or he panicked. Maybe he thought she wouldn't stay among the living for much longer anyway.
And calling an ambulance obviously wasn't worth his effort.
Desperately I screamed for help, but no one heard me.
Eventually someone did call the hospital, but it had already been to late.
At that time my world crashed.
My mom, even though she had been on drugs most of the time, was the only one I had left. Now I was completely alone.
There were no other relatives, or at least none that I knew about. That's why they put me into an orphanage shortly after.
Even though they really tried to help me there, I never felt home.
I wanted to be alone, take care of myself. The way it always had been, when my mom left to take drugs.
Furthermore I was sick of the pitying looks I got from the people in the orphanage. I couldn't stand them. They made me feel even weaker and more lonely.
