You want to know what depression feels like? It's like you crash into a brick wall over and over, with no time to recover. Just never-ending hits to opened wounds. Your head caves in and your body quakes. Your lungs struggle to gasp for air while your mind is repeatedly telling you you're not good enough. No one could ever love you.
Suicide is always an option. Always. And the thing about depression is that it makes you feel like a coward for considering it and it also makes you feel like a coward for not falling through with it.
My soul screams from its inner hell, I have no will. No will. I let people in, I thought I was healed. I embraced hope, I embraced joy. No one said it was temporary. Happiness is a mythical lie our mind creates for us. As soon as its ripped away, it leaves your heart in a drought. It cracks and becomes hard. It gives up. It shatters. You feel every single piece fall as you crumble. All the hard work, months of recovery become meaningless as you come back to the place you started if not worse.
There are those who don't understand depression. They see people who deal with it as attention seekers, when really, we are just trying to survive. Literally. It's easy to say no to suicide, but when you hit that point- to where you've become numb. You feel nothing. You could get in an accident and feel nothing but relief because the thought of being unconscious on a hospital bed is way better than having to hear the thoughts that are constantly running through your head; you can't run from something that is in your mind. Every minute that you're awake, you're constantly being told you are not good enough.
"No one really loves you. They just deal with you. You're so annoying, I don't blame them, why would they, I mean look at you. Why would anyone want to love you, that is why everyone leaves, it makes me sick? Your parents don't love you; you don't even love you. No one knows you're falling apart in your room because they don't care. "
I don't know how long I can stay like this. No one understands how bad it gets. I really need help. I need help. I can't do this anymore.
It's like you enter a room, cement walls everywhere. Over and over, no door no window. You never know when you're going to be taken into this room. You can be at your worst or your best. You know when you've been taken to the room the instant, you're in there. You know. You are aware of what comes next and your scared cause you don't know how long its going to take to come out or even if you will this time. You sit there in this stiff cold metal chair. The air becomes tight as the oxygen in the room begins to leave. You're left gasping for air with every second that goes by. Your vision becomes blurry as you begin to lose control of your limbs. You shake and can't stop. You try and you try, and you try to gain control but with every minute that passes it gets ripped right from you till you have no fight left and that's when you know there's no returning. You're going to be there for a while. All alone. Cold. Just sitting there in the void. You know life is going on around you. Life is there, but you're not.
You scream for help. You shout and try to claw your way out, but no one can hear you. Cause the room you are trapped in is in your mind and it's hard to rescue someone from a place they can't see.
