Nostalgia

3·6

If there was such a thing as a fuck-meter, I'd have blown that thing up with how many times I'd uttered the word in my head.

James stared between Kong and I in silence before it dawned on him and his eyebrows went up. He took the word right out of my mouth. "Fuck."

Adam just stared between three of us, still confused. "I'm talking about the fact that Avery never really cheated." Kong turned to Adam, since he seemed to be the only one who wouldn't shut up. God, shut up, Adam.

The man shrugged. "James' dick of a father made her lie and break up with James because he felt she wasn't good enough for him. So James got his ass fired after finding out and everything is right in the world again! Wait, why aren't you saying anything? Don't you know about all..." Realization dawned on him as I glared daggers and fire. If looks could fry, he'd be grilled turkey right now.

Adam's jaw dropped. "Fuck. Shit. I am so sorry, Avery."

Kong blinked and turned to me and it felt like all the air was just knocked out of my lungs. I struggled to hold back tears when he shook his head in disbelief. "Tell me Adam is just being a stupid asshole as usual." I parted my lips, but he spoke again. "Don't lie."

I snapped my lips back shut and took a step towards him. My heart plummeted to my toes when I saw Kong freeze up and flinch away from me. "Stay where you are and tell me-tell me the truth." His voice was shaky.

My mind was hazy. Where was I supposed to begin? How was I supposed to control this situation? How would I say that I'd been lying to him all this while without saying I'd been lying?

"I-" I paused to think, suddenly all the air rushed back into my lungs and it felt like I was drowning. "It's the truth."

Kong inhaled sharply and took a step back, like I'd shoved him. His gaze shifted to James whose head was ducked. Then he turned to Adam who kept mouthing apologies. It was like he was searching for an explanation.

When he turned to me, his blue eyes had turned icy and his neck was beginning to redden. "When were you going to tell me?"

I couldn't look at him. "What the time was right. When I was ready. When you were ready-"

"And when the fuck was that supposed to be?"

My shoulders sulked in defeat, my heart stopping. "Not now. Not like this."

"So your plan was to keep lying to me and letting me wander around in the dark." His voice was laced heavily with disbelief. Disappointment. Anger. "You were going to let me blindly follow you up and down, supporting you through everything and putting my life on hold just so yours could keep playing!"

My head snapped up. "No, Kong. I wanted to tell you-"

"I broke up with my girlfriend for you! I believed you when everyone else was against you. I thought you were the one being misunderstood!" He was yelling now, with each word, an invisible blow was delivered. Straight to my chest. "I can't believe how I could be such an idiot!" He laughed bitterly. "But that's what I always was to you, right?"

My eyes went wide and I stepped up to him but paused in my tracks when his glare all but threatened death. The tears hit me like a wave. "You are my best friend, Kong. The best thing that ever happened to me, remember?"

I was desperate to hold on to something. Some ray of hope. A promise. We couldn't break like this.

"You don't manipulate people who you care about, A."

My blood ran cold. "Kong."

He shook his head and began marching towards the door. "I need to get the fuck out of here."

And with that, he was gone, slamming the door behind him. Adam followed, calling out to him.

I stiffly walked to the couch and plopped down onto it, putting my head in my hands and letting the tears flow freely. James was still here. I could still feel him. And I wanted to yell at him to leave, to not see me like this, but I just didn't have it in me to do that. I just sat there and bawled my eyes out for James to see.

For the next couple of minutes hundreds of thoughts flew through my mind. Kong hated me now. There was no way he wouldn't. And he had every right to. Would we ever reconcile with each other? Would he even want to see me ever again? Had I lost him for good?

I lifted my head when the space next to me on the couch dipped as James slowly sat down. Wiping at my cheeks with the back of my hand, I tried to frown at him but only ended up breaking into more sobs and letting my head fall back into my hands.

James could see me like this for all I cared. It's not like he'd never seen me cry before. Just never this pathetically.

I was grateful that he let me weep in silence. It wasn't until my sobs faded to soft whimpers that he eventually spoke.

"I know this is a stupid question but," he began, eyes softer than ever. "Are you okay?"

I sniffled and wiped my cheeks with my palms, chuckling sadly and nodding. "Peachy as ever. Thank you."

James fished out a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to me, biting his lip. "I'm sorry. That was stupid."

I took it from him and swiped my face clean with it. "It's not your fault. It's mine." I blew my nose loudly then studied his face sullenly. "I'm sorry about your handkerchief."

James offered a small smile. "It's fine. And it's not your fault. None of this is. Infact, I played a larger role in this than you think."

I sniffled. "I'm not going to argue over responsibility with you, James. I was the one that lied to everyone. I broke us-you. And I didn't think about how others would be affected."

Remembering it made my eyes water again but before I knew what was going on, James had his hand against my cheek.

His palm was cold against my hot cheeks. It was cozy and was doing crazy thing's to my aching heart. He studied me with such tenderness, stroking my cheek with the pad of his thumb.

"I should have tried to find out what really happened. I was just so heartbroken, I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. Only pain. You know how much I love you. I channeled all that energy into trying to hate you, but I couldn't. It was the real thing fuelling my desire to see you again. Not revenge."

My chest felt heavy, my eyes too. I had so much to be sorry for. To him, To Kong, Pat even Adam.

"I'm sorry for everything I did to you."

James swiped against my cheek one more time, accidentally touching the corner of my lips and leaving behind a trail of fire. "And I'm sorry for not being there for you."