HUNTER'S TALE

18.

Quickly John washed himself and tried to look as decent as he could ever look. He made himself a strong coffee and went back to the house. Mary was still on the bed and he walked inside to find Jane in the sitting room with his boys. His eyes turned soft once he laid his eyes on them and knelt down. They both run shouting "dadda!" to his embrace and he hugged them tightly. He kissed them and filled his heart with their precious essence. "Is she feeling better?" he asked Jane, holding the boys.

"Sure. She miraculously jumped from the bed, yawned, stretched and with a smile began to dance and sing," she replied sarcastically and sighed deeply. "John... you have to be patient now. You said things, that would scare anyone to death. You said things, that you should have kept for yourself."

Jane was right. Cus Jane knew and he'd listen to her no matter his stubbornness, like he'd listen to his own mother. He lowered his head and nodded gently caressing boys' hair. "Ya right, but I'm a bloody idiot and I did spoke," he murmured. "Can't bloody lose her tho," he rose his eyes at Jane.

She took a deep breath and nodded her head. "I know, John. You've always been a bit dumbass, when it came to some things," she scoffed, looking at them. "Do you want a coffee?" She asked, while boys were already climbing up to his shoulders. Once he nodded to jer offer, Jane walked to make him a coffee and since she was sure, that he didn't eat anything, she brought him something to eat as well. They were fooling around with boys, who couldn't get enough to have their father back. John was sitting with them on the rug, when he heard Mary upstairs quietly talking with Russell. From what he understood, he was helping her back to the bed as she walked from the bathroom. John looked at Jane and before she could stop him, he walked upstairs and found Mary getting back to the bed. She was pale as death and once she noticed him, she curled to the corner of the bed and pulled her legs to her chest.

"What are you doing here?" She whispered, looking at John with eyes red from crying and swollen eyelids.

He nodded to Russell to give them sometime and once the man walked out of the door, John came closer to the bed. He was dying, seeing her like that. Knowing, that he caused all this to her, caused him physical pain. "I came for ya,luv," he whispered quietly. Slowly he sat down on the floor next to her bed behind her back, since she choose to not see him. "I can't go home. It's empty without ya, without the boys."

"I can't go home," she refused, shaking her head.

"I can't go home either, if ya ain't there," he said quietly, looking down at his hands. Yes, he wasn't feeling worthy to look at her in the eyes again, but he couldn't live without them. Whatever he did until now was for them. He kept himself alive for them and an empty house was something he didn't want to live in. "Forgive me, Mary. Forgive me, that I scared ya. That I made I feel disgusted about me. I deserve it. All... and everything. But I can't live without ya and without me boys, yeh?" He rose his eyes towards the bed and sighed. "I'll sleep on the couch forever, if ya want just let's go back home."

"I'm scared," she started to cry. Tears big as pearls rolling down her cheeks. "And it's my fault. I asked you. I wanted to know, because I thought, it would help you. Now I wish, I never asked. I wish, I never heard, what you told me."

"No, luv, none of it is ya fault. I just choose stupidly to keep my damn word and always be honest with ya like ya asked," he closed eyes. "So beyond that I ain't a good man, I ain't a smart man either," he sighed deeply. "But I want ya to know one thing, yeh? I'd rather die than tease a hair from ya head. I'd never hurt ya. I love ya and the boys more than anythin'. I am, what I am, but everything I said to ya was true."

She knew that. Deep down she knew, that he would never hurt her. He would never hurt their children. "I know, that I asked you to be honest," she wiped her tears and looked at him for a moment. "I need to stay here for some time, John. At least a day or two. I... I can't go home. I need... I don't know, what I need." She knew damn well. She needed him. She needed his arms and embrace, because his arms were the only safe space she knew. His arms were the only arms, that protect her and his body like the only shelter she ever had. But the fear she had inside prevented her to admit it and ask for the embrace that moment.

He rose his eyes on her own. Both heavy with tears both restless and screaming 'come to me' to each other. John, like he knew, what she had exactly in mind or perhaps it was only, what he wished for, he stood up and sat on the bed. He opened his arms, looking at her. "I'll give ya time, if ya need it, but give me a hug. Just one hug," he said. He didn't care about his tears streaming down his cheeks anymore. It didn't take long. It was in a matter few seconds and Mary ended up in his embrace. She was sobbing quietly, her face buried in his chest. He closed his eyes and then he froze. As he enveloped his arms around her, he felt something on her sides, he realized, he didn't notice all week he was home. A swollen belly. A little swell on her core, that made him freeze and his realization made Mary cry even more desperatelly. He smiled through his tears and held her tightly. Tightly as he could, kissing her forehead, holding his rough hand on her small belly. "How far are ya, luv?" He asked her, cupping her face and brushing away her tears.

"Three, maybe four months," she replied and pulled back from him. She was looking at him for a moment. He saw the enormous fight, that was going inside her. He knew her, like he knew himself. He knew, she was scared, but that hug was a prove, that it wasn't lost. If she didn't come to him, that would be the end. But that little moment gave him at least a hint of hope. "I'm tired," she said almot in whispers and she laid down on the bed and covered herself, turning her back on him again.

"Take some rest then, luv," he nodded. All this gave him a new breeze of life. The fact that she's expecting again, the fact that she came to him. "I can take our boys home to give ya sometime and whenever ya ready, ya can come back home?" he suggested.

She hesitated. She wasn't glad to hear, that he'd take them with him. But she couldn't prevent him to do so. On the other hand, she was exhausted. All this literally got her on her knees and she needed a sleep and rest. "Just don't drink, when they are with you, please," she only told him.

"Won't bloody touch it," he assured her. With huge hesitant he caressed her hair. "Whatever ya need, just send Russell to me. I'll come here, if ya want me every day even for a minute I don't mind."

"Alright," she nodded. She so wished to take his hand and tell him to not leave her. At the same time his words suddenly came back to her mind and she shut her eyes close and rather stayed silent.

With a small sigh he stood up and left downstairs. He explained to Jane that he needs to take the boys, so Mary can take some proper rest. Enough distress he caused her already, it felt like it was the least he could do to make things right. Besides, he wasn't a useless father. He could manage with them perfectly as he did. He had feed them and bath them by the evening and they were both stretched on his bed. "Dada!" Benji pattef Mary's side, like he's asking his father about his mother's absence.

"It's my fault, my boy," John sighed and came to lay next to them. "Dadda fucked up big time and he made ya mom sad."

"Titi?" Daniel started to sob. "Mama!" He sniffed and sobbed and crawled to John and hid in his embrace.

"I know, Danny I miss her too." he felt the urge to start crying with his toddlers but sure that wouldn't help anyone and surely not the babies. Soon they fall asleep and John watched them sleeping for sometime.