Gedankenspiel

poetry letter

Dear best friend,

I know I haven't been the best version of myself lately,
I know I wasn't the best friend that I should have been,
I know I asked less how you feel and what you do,
I know I did not enough for you, for us.
I took too much,
and gave to little.

I am sorry.
I am sorry for the words I didn't say,
I am sorry for the words I said but that still weren't enough and hurt you,
I am sorry that I was lost in my own world,
in my own head, just trying to swim in the sea of my thoughts and worries.
I am sorry that I stole all of your energy and nerves that you needed for yourself.

I didn't show how grateful I actually am, how grateful I was,
I wasn't what you need and deserve,
I wasn't enough but I promise, that you were, that you are.

You are enough.
And without you, I would have been lost.
Thank you.

But now something has changed,
I am not the only person in your life anymore,
and I am happy for you because you deserve this,
you deserve those feelings that I couldn't give you lately,
but something has changed.
What happened to us?
I already miss the
„good morning", „good night", the „I love you",
and much more messages that popped up every single day on my phone.

I am scared of the future, now more than I was ever before
because you changed, we changed.
Sometimes
I was unfair, but what you do now is even more unfair.
But you still wanted to be there for me, to still be with me.
The only problem is, you are not.

And even though you said
nothing will change,
and even though you said
nothing can break us apart,
and even though you made
promises and promises and promises
and promised me that you won't leave me alone with my current struggles,
you did.

Now we are exactly in the same place
as we began our story for the third time:
someone suffers.

And even though it hurts,
it hurts every time when
nobody distracts me,
it hurts every time when
I look at my phone and didn't get a message from you,
              like you used to write over the day,
it hurts every time when
I hear your voice in emotionless voicemails,
as if we were just normal friends,
as if we were never more,
as if our story is nothing special and was never complicated,
when we were both crying,
suffering from pain,
but still managed it to find back together,
again and again,
to continue our story, our bond,

because we didn't want to live without one another.

And even though this all hurts,
even though we made mistakes,
I just want,
I just need,
nothing more in this world right now
except you.

My best friend.