Have you ever felt your lips as a foreign part of your body, at the same time you don't know if you are still having the rest of your body. I hope you haven't felt that ever. Because this is what I've been going through for the last week. Yes, some people may judge me and say "oh it's your own fault", "you provoked him", "you had to leave after it happened for the first time". I know, I know it all.
I woke up feeling my face as a huge bruise. My lovely beautiful face became like an aubergine. My upper lip seems like I did too much filler with the blue paint. My whole body was a sore. It's like a nightmare when you want to wake up, but you can't. It's like a horror movie when you think it's just a movie. But it's a reality and you never know will you survive this time.
This time was the most severe of all that he did to me. I couldn't even cry despite my soul being torn. Never ever I'll forgive him this time. Yes I'm stupid I let him in my life again. I was afraid he could harm my family. This time I want him in jail for the rest of his life. Forever. I want to erase him from my head. The last words I heard last before I fainted was "you will always be such a miserable cheap slut".
He had no right to call me that. He was my first and only man. Maybe that was the problem. I was too attached to him.
When we first met he was just so perfect, I couldn't believe he even talked to me. He was a handsome man, also noble and polite. I was nineteen when we met. He was eight years older. It was hard not to fall in love with him. A real man, a gentleman at first sight. But we never know what's hiding under those handsome faces and politeness. How could I know that it could be the case.
So I had fallen in love with him. But I can't even think about that nice year we've been together. And I don't want to have any memories related to him. If I survive, I will never be with any man.
My mom entered the room. Her wet eyes made my soul cry so bad, but I couldn't even open my mouth. I don't feel my face. My eyes not fully opened, but I hear mom saying
- Oh baby... - she tries to hide her emotions but she can't.
I can't talk, I can just see a bit. There are needles and some monitors connected to my body. And it makes me feel so bad. Mom is sitting next to me and talking about the latest news from home.
- Can you imagine Lily taking her first steps yesterday? We were so excited about it.- mom tries to smile a bit, to switch my mind, but it's impossible. I do love my little niece, but it makes my heart and body sore even more. Will I ever see her again? Will I survive? No one told me how things going with me. Maybe I'm dying. I'm not scared of death. I'm terrified to leave my family. I'm trying to open my mouth but it's so hard to make any words come out. I'm trying my best
- Where is he, - dry low voice is coming out from my blue huge lips. - Is this even my voice? I lost myself. Lost my personality.
- Joe, please don't think about him. He was arrested, that's all I can say. I'm so sorry I haven't seen it before. My little baby girl. I'm so sorry I didn't know about it.
- Mom, please, - I'm making a big effort to talk.
My mom had her own struggles. My father left, when I was five, my sister Emily was nine. Mom was devastated after that. On top of those things grandma got sick with breast cancer soon after divorce. My mom quit her job and became a career for grandma. She wanted to take care about her mom and we didn't have much money to afford a nurse. So my mom was a real warrior. She is strong and has always been an example for me of how strong human beings can be. But today I saw a despair in her eyes. That was a sign for me that things are really bad. I sighed:
-Will it heal, mom?
- Of course Joe! Oh, dear, of course it will. Doctor David told us you are doing great and you will recover soon, but it will take time.
My eyes still half open, so I see my mom blurry.
- Monica is coming to you today.
I can't answer. Falling asleep.
Waking up and it's already dark outside. Mom is sleeping on a chair. Reality is killing me again and again. How could a human do this to another human? Just how. I don't even know at this moment if I want to continue my existence. Please someone erase my memory.
Next, what I feel is someone touching my hand.
