Loser.

“Scar, I don’t think I can do it.” 

  My best friend, Scarlett and I were in the middle of a heated argument at my locker. Typical. 

“Yes you can! Now stop doubting yourself.” She shook her head in sincere annoyance. She hated when I got all insecure and self-conscious on her. She didn’t understand. She never would.

I felt a wave of sickening nausea roll over me. “I seriously think I’m going to puke.”

Scar rolled her eyes at me. “Just do it. Don’t think about it, just go for it.”

I shrugged my shoulders in apprehension. “I don’t know. I’m starting to think this isn’t such a great idea.” 

“Stop it! Just go talk to him!” Scar urged. 

“Much easier said than done, Sam.” I snapped. 

“Believe me, you’ll be glad you did. What do you have to lose?” Scar pointed out. 

“True.” I muttered. 

Scarlett was right. I needed to cease the opportunity that was right in front of me. I’ve been in love with Logan since the 7th grade. It was about time to do something about it. Now, I’m not exactly the type of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, but Sam had a point. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Right? 

Trying to act confident, I attempted to channel my inner-Scar. She was always so sure of herself. I needed to be more like her. But when it came to Logan Hamilton, I couldn’t help but to fall apart. There was just something so intangible about him. I mean, if you took one look at the boy you’d know exactly what I meant. Every time I try to speak to him my mind goes blank and my words stop making sense. One look into his tie-dye blue eyes and I’m rendered speechless. 

I took a deep breath. “Well, here goes nothing.” 

Slowly, I approached Logan at his locker.  My heart was beating so loud I started to wonder if it was going to explode right out of my chest. This was it. The moment of truth. 

“Logan, hey.” I whispered slowly, my words barely audible. I was shaking on the inside, hoping he couldn’t see right through me. 

“Lorraine.” He nodded solemnly, merely acknowledging my presence, but not giving away anything more. 

“Listen, can we talk? There’s something important I need to tell you…” As paralyzing as his icy gaze was, I forced myself to maintain eye contact. 

“Uhhh…” He looked hesitant, as his eyes drifted over his shoulder. 

“Please. It will only take a second.” 

“Listen, can this wait?” His attention was obviously focused elsewhere. 

“Oh, um okay. I guess. It’s kind of important though.” I said dejectedly. 

“I‘m sorr-” He was cut off. 

“Babe! I missed you SO much.” A gorgeous blonde girl approached our gathering, throwing her skinny, tanned arms around Logan. Much to my distaste, he didn’t seem to mind one bit.  

“I missed you too. In fact, I was just thinking about you.” Logan smiled, turning his back to me. 

Neither of them acknowledged my presence as I stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. I was in shock. I bit my lip, attempting to fight back the inevitable tears threatening to spill down my pain-stricken face. 

This can’t be happening. It hurt so much more than I’d imagined it ever would. This was my first run in with the R-word. Rejection. In that moment, I had never felt so useless and discarded. His ignorance scarred me, the way he just brushed me aside like some worthless, old penny thrown out into the rain.

I walked away, clutching to what was left of my dignity. Although my heart was shattered, I maintained a calm composure. I vowed to stay strong. There was no way I was going to let him get to me. No, not a chance. 

“You know what, I deserve better than this.” I realized, beaming through my brief moment of revelation. 

I’d wasted so much time, simply wondering and waiting on nothing. Logan always let me down. I couldn’t keep doing this anymore, deliberately getting myself hurt. Who knows what I could be missing out on? Someday I’m going to find someone that treats me right.

Maybe I was in love with the idea of Logan, rather than being in love with him and wanting a relationship. Maybe. Maybe I’m not so sure. Maybe I need some space and some time to think things through. Maybe it’s time for change. I needed to start living my life for the now part of it. I always find myself looking back at who I used to be, to tell me who I am today. But after the Logan incident, I realized that my future depends solely on my actions alone. It’s up to me to determine exactly who I’m going to be tomorrow.  If only I’d realized this sooner.

And of one thing I was absolutely sure, I wasn’t going to let some mindless boy get in the way of me and my future. Buh-bye, loser.