Caraphernelia

Self destruction .

The next few days were killing me . And Prom is coming up ...

I'm Prom committee and I have to go to insure that the night goes by smoothly . I only joined to avoid getting a failing grade . Prom literally scares me . And I'm not even going with friends ... I'm going by myself .

"Alexissca ?" Roc said as he was walking towards me . "are you okay ?"

" call me Lexis . And I'm fine." I told him .

Whenever someone asks me if I'm okay I always say I'm fine because I know that's what they want to hear .

"okay . well see you around alright?"

" Yeah ... Um Roc right ?"

"Yeah." he said as he turned around to go to class .

RACHEL 'S POV:

Why is Roc talking to that dead-beat ? I mean I've always been jealous of her because she has a pretty face , smile , personality .... UGH ! But I will make sure her self esteem is crap . Her life will be a living hell.

"Hey Roc ." Rachel yelled as she went up to him .

"Umm hey Rachel ." Roc said .

"So uh , Prom ? Me . You . Okay ..." she told him .

" Actually I have other people on my mind ."

" Well not anymore . We have a date" she said as she walked away .

"But ..." Roc said as it faded away .

LEXIS POV:

Home bitter-sweet home . I hate it but I love it . At least I'm home and not at school .

I walked in and saw my mom sleeping and my sister was with her friends at the park .

I walked up to my room and since I had nothing better to do , I went snooping around . I decided to go make something to eat . I was making a sandwich when I came across this strange cabinet behind the bread ...

"what is this?" I thought to myself as I opened it .

I found letters and voice recordings . I wonder why my mom hid this from us ... I took it up to my room .

I began reading and it was letters from my dad ! I couldn't explain how I was feeling. Why would he write if he didn't want us in his life ?

LETTERS:

Dear Alexissca ,

If you ever come across this , I want you to know that I left you because I couldn't handle it . I can't handle any more shit so I left . I can't say I love you since I barely know you . But your mother is a bitch . I hate her ... If you're just like her then I HATE YOU TOO ! Have a nice life . But fuck you for breaking our whole plans . And your ghetto ass name will forever be part of me . I was drunk during your birth so I don't even know who you were . I named you Alexissca because I didn't give a shit about you so I just put jessica and Alex together . Ugly isn't it ? Thank me later .

~your dad .

Why would he write something like this ? Why does he hate me ? It's my fault ... At least he doesn't know he had another child or Kiyla would be broken hearted by these letters too .

Maybe my mom hid them from me so I wouldn't hate myself . But why did she keep it ? Maybe to show me she was the only one who cared if I ever got angry at her and wanted dad back . I PROMISE I will never want to meet him.

[ WARNING : I AM NOT PROMOTING SELF HARM OR SAYING IT IS OKAY . PLEASE DON'T DO IT AND STAY STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL . THIS IS ONLY FOR A MORE EMOTIONAL FEEL . YES I SUFFER FROM IT MYSELF. IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE OR TOO INTENSE FOR YOU , PLEASE EXIT OUT NOW . I AM SORRY IF I HURT ANYONE EMOTIONS. IT WILL CONTINUE THROUGHOUT THE SERIES SO IF IT EFFECTS YOU PLEASE FIND ANOTHER STORY OR MY OTHER STORIES. AT LEAST I WARNED YOU ...]

Tears started to fall from my eyes . I couldn't see anything from the blur in my vision . I broke down ...

I took a blade , gauges , bandages , and the letters/voice recordings to my room .

I was so hurt . You have to be in so much pain to actually drag a blade across your skin .

I took the first cut and blood rushed out . I cried for hours and repeated until I had a bloody wrist and I lay there emotionless . I wrapped the gauges and bandages around my arm . This is an addiction . I am addicted to self destruction ... There is no one else to blame .

People call me fat , ugly , loser , deadbeat , my dad hates me , no one cares .

I am worthless and a waste of space . I can honestly say I HATE myself .

Cutting kills the inner demons in your head . I remember the cruel words people say to me . I remember how worthless I am . I remember that no one cares . I remember that I deserve this ...

The worst part is that cutting is a cry for help but no one will ever know.

It gives you scars but it's a reminder that you went through alot of bullshit and you survived . You bleed just to know you're alive .

NOBODY WILL EVER KNOW ...

Nobody will ever care ...

[ that's it guys ! I know this is intense and that I use a powerful message of cutting . In no way am I promoting self harm ! It is not a good idea to EVER start ! If you suffer from it then stay strong and beautiful . I LOVE YOU ! Cutting is not a joke and I know alot of people who suffer from it . Please promise to never do it or to try to stop . I care about each and every one of you guys . I will always be available to talk to .

My tumblr: @in_wasteland ( send me a ask )

My twitter : @in_wasteland ( tweet or Dm me )

I will respond ASAP! ]

Stay strong and beautiful . 

-Helen .

Ps. I'm sorry for the long outro but I just wanted to let you guys no I care and I am not telling you to do it . I love you !

If you bully others FOR cutting, then please stop . All they need is for someone to care for them and to be there for them . Don't be a reason they cut , be the reason they don't . I know it's annoying to hear me talk about this on and on again but it is serious . They don't want to feel like shit ...

They just need to be saved from theirselves . YOU COULD SAVE A LIFE SAYING THAT YOU CARE ! Suicide is not for weak people because they took in a lot of bullshit before having enough . CUTTING DOES NOT MAKE YOU EMO!!

it tells you you're strong . Stop hurting people and don't be the reason they're gone . BE THE REASON THEY'RE HERE !

Suicides are preventable . And if you're his/her friend , please never say anything like "you don't have it worse" or "just stop doing it" because that's an even bigger trigger . My BESTFRIEND said to me "look at all the people who would kill to have your life , you don't have the worst life so stop acting like it." I HATED MYSELF AND THOSE WORDS HAUNT ME . Honestly I couldn't live with myself anymore.

We keep things hidden because the world doesn't understand . And telling people (my friends) about it was the worst decision ever .... I'm sorry .

And how do I know all of this ? I was there .... When it happened to me . I still cry everyday thinking people really don't know what I go through to make me like this .... It's fucked up really . But at the end they just smile because they're scared that someone will ask and they don't know how to handle that . Being depressed DOES allow you to smile . Even when it kills you inside.

Bye . And if it annoys you .... I'm sorry for you ... And being heartless .