Some thoughts I guess

I don't know what's happening

15.05.22
11:55pm

I am laying in bed right now and again I don't want to sleep. Lol
I gave it up trying to find a reason why it takes me so long to fall asleep nowadays.
It is just pointless.
My life just gets more annoying and painful.
There is no specific thing that hurts but I guess it's the mere fact that I exist.

03.08.22
12:04am

Just remembered this thing here and found that draft for a new chapter.
And what should I say, I forgot how bad I felt a couple of months ago and I thought it was my lowest point back then.
But right now it is even worse.
I don't know why but I think it's funny.
Every time you think it can't get worse, it gets worse.
I lost weight, my suicidal thoughts are full on back and my depression is on it's peak.
In the day I am depressed, I talk barely and in my thoughts I'm drifting away.
But in the evening/night I have my manic phases.
A moment where I have the feeling I am going insane.
Also knowing the good mood will be gone in the morning and every bad thing will hit ten times harder than the day before.

I don't know how long I will be able to go on and I'm scared.
Every day could be the last day because I know I just need one trigger that's a bit bigger and then I will do it...

You might think I just want attention thru this here but that's not my goal.
I need to vent because I can't do this in real life.

-12:16am