Confessions of a Gay Disney Prince

SAGA 1: THE PRINCESS IN THE TOWER Chapter 1: Once Upon

[McDonalds, Walt Disney World in Florida, 1:47pm, Lunchtime]

HARRY: "Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away—"

LOUIS: "Is this the 'Shrek is love, Shrek is life' story? Because I would not like a side of fries with that."

ELEANOR: "Louis, enough." (to Harry) "You were saying, Harry?"

HARRY: (confused) "Okay, yeah." (coughs) "So once upon a time, there was a king with seven sons. He was a kind king, a good king, and he had raised seven good sons. The sons started to marry off fairly quickly because of their good-manners and dazzling looks. They went on dangerous quests in search for their lovely princesses. The king rejoiced at giving his blessing for every union. The queen loved the brides. The people held great celebrations whenever the princes visited. There was one problem, however. The oldest son, the dauphin, the heir to the throne, Prince—"

ELEANOR: (excitedly) "Harry!"

HARRY: "Prince..." (hesitates) "Harry did not want to marry."

ELEANOR: "Hey, that rhymes!" (clapping her hands like a child) "How fun."

LOUIS: (deadpanned) "Gay."

ELEANOR: "Louis!"

LOUIS: "Having or showing merry, gay, Eleanor."

HARRY: "Yeah, sure. The king and queen worried about him as he was getting old—"

ELEANOR: "How old? Like thirty?"

HARRY: "No, no, like, oh I don't know, twenty-two. Princes married young back then."

LOUIS: (cynical, sarcastic) "Back when exactly? You didn't specify a year. This story sure has a lot of plot holes."

ELEANOR: "It's a fairytale, Louis."

HARRY: (ignores him) "While his brothers brought their brides to the banquet, he sat at the head of the table, alone and silent and—"

LOUIS: "Was he ugly? He must have been ugly. Was he a troll? Was he Shrek?"

HARRY: "No! He wasn't. He was the most attractive out of all of them actually with a chiseled body—

ELEANOR: "And curly brown hair and big green eyes. He had dimples too. And a smile to die for and when he looked at you, it felt like the sun was shining on your face and you were the most important thing in the world. And he was kind, so kind, and—"

LOUIS: (annoyed) "Shut up, Eleanor. We're telling the Shrek story, not your private, shower fantasies."

HARRY: "We're not telling the Shrek story..."

ELEANOR: (huffing) "You shut up. You're no fun. You ruin everything."

HARRY: (trying to appease them) "Sure, yeah, with all those things, Eleanor. Harry was a catch. Many princesses wanted to be his because he was brave and sweet and very romantic."

ELEANOR: "So why didn't he get married then?"

LOUIS: "Because he was a pussy." (snorts)

ELEANOR: "Louis!"

LOUIS: (laughing) "With a small pee-pee."

ELEANOR: "What are you, ten?"