Not afraid anymore - SuFin

The evening was cold and the chills ran though my spine as the unruffled breeze swept into the master bedroom of my humble home. I shivered and shook as I thought of that one simple question flood my thoughts and dreams, my tried so hard to press my eyes together and fall into a deep slumber but I just couldn't... I don't know why I couldn't but I felt as if it was almost entirely impossible. I knew that he was coming home, I knew that he was getting off of work and on his way home right then but something just told me that he was already here. I couldn't help it; my thoughts must really hate me for they had become true.

I listened as a took note of the familiar little squeaks of our bed shift under his added weight, I knew that he was there and I knew that he thought that I was fast asleep, but yet he didn't even strip from his clothes intro his pajamas; but rather just adjusted himself against me and lightly caressed my hips with his inner thigh. I knew that he was heading to slumber himself, I knew that for a fact yet some part of me just wanted him to stay awake and continue to take his heavy and exhausted breaths in and out. All I knew was that I was not, that very night, caught up in my ultimate fear that haunted me every single dawn and dusk; the fear of falling in love.

I felt him wrap his strong fingers around my own before slowly letting his rhythmic breaths take hold of his life at that very moment. I knew that I should not have done anything but I just had too; I let out a small yawn before snuggling up close to his strong body, I loved the smell of him after he got home from work... And yes, this is the truth. I knew that I couldn't love him, he was to... to perfect. Then there was me, just a systematic being in this world... I am so sorry for saying this but I felt like I was falling in love, and the worst part is that I didn't feel remorse at all.

~ ~ ~

There I was once again, stuck in a cranny of life that would not let go of me and let me free. I am sorry if I sound rather juvenile but, the truth is that I couldn't get the thoughts of last night out of my head, sure it was just a erstwhile thing but still I felt as if it was not. I couldn't help it; I guess I was just over my head... I mean I knew that he would never love me, I mean he couldn't and wouldn't. I have an entirely altered path from him, I want to have a big and happy family where I would be surrounded by everyone who loves me and no one who doesn't, then there is him... I know that he wouldn't want that, he probably wants to be own a huge furniture company and be the head boss, and man my dreams couldn't be with something like that, could it? No and it wouldn't?!

I knew that this wouldn't be, yet I wanted it to be...

I am sorry for not making up my mind! Do I love him or do I choose to hate him!? Ugh please save me, someone! Please someone help me escape from this fiasco and realize that I need to free myself from this pressure and just let me have things come to me.

I really needed to stop worrying though, I know that it is not very good to pressure yourself like this yet I also knew that I needed to just admit my feelings, I knew that I was falling for him so why couldn't I just say it? Why couldn't I just turn to him and tell him those three words? Every now and then I think to myself about how I wished that he would be mine and I could be his.

I sat there in my living room sofa that is the colour of eggshell white every day that I get back from work and think about this, I needed to think about that factor of love or lust, I needed to think if it was just that I was lonesome and wanted to feel full and happy again. I just wanted to have him tell me that he loved me; I just wanted him to tell me that he needed me.

I am sorry for making things so intricate...

Do you remember it Su-San; that day that you surprised me at work when you came to my office on my birthday and gave me those beautiful blood red roses and royal purple lavender blotches. Do you remember when you pulled me into a huge embrace and told me that it would all be okay? I do... I remember it perfectly to be honest...