The Yelnats Parable: A Story of Drugs and Fame

CRIMES DOES PAY, AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE WHILE

The most esteemed officer in the force, Commissioner Gardon, got right up into my face as his buddy put me in cuffs, "We've been looking forward to this for a long, long time, but riddle me this sir, what does a liar do when he's dead?' he said to me, spit flying from his mouth as he spoke.

Oh, I didn't see you there, you're probably wondering how I got here, huh?

Hi, the name's Yelnats, it's uh, foreign i suppose. I had a very strange upbringing into the world, some would say I "suffered from devastating drug addiction" or was "clearly mentally disturbed." But I didn't care what people thought of me, because they thought exactly what I wanted them to think. Ever since I was only a boy, I had been constantly exposed to illegal substances all around my neighborhood. I would look to my left, and see large vats of unidentifiable liquids, which I could only assume was some sort of acid or cyanide in melted liquid form. When I looked to my right, I saw my best friend, Tyrone. Who helped me to become the infamous crime mafia boss that I am today. Tyrone was the one who showed me that those large mysterious vats were in fact not just any acid, but mind control acid. I was fascinated, I took every chance I got to collect samples.
Because my family was very impoverished, I was forced to buy and sell this mind control acid in order to keep my family afloat. I guess people thought of it as some sort of new drug or something. I started off as just the scrawny little kid on the street corner, but eventually I slowly amassed my criminal empire. After some time I caught the attention of local law enforcement, who tried numerous times to shut down my tight hold on the economy, and, probably the mind control acid too of course. At this point I didn't even have to steal it, because I was the one mass producing it, and other fun treats. My business was kept under the guise of an unassuming candy shop, Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. No one suspected a thing. In all honesty, It was incredibly simple to set up my massive acidic mind control liquid running scheme, really says a lot about our society's security. Realizing this, I planned to overthrow the U.S government next.
Unfortunately, the chief of police, Commissioner Gardon, shut down one of my biggest stockpiles. He and his goon squad busted in at around 2:30 in the morning. I told Big Jim to crank up the juice on those vats I mentioned earlier, causing them to burst and spill out all over the floor. I thought that would have given them the slip, but Gardon thought ahead, because of course he did. He decided to wear mind-control acid proof flip-flops that night, nullifying the effects of my acid vats. I should have accounted for this. I ended up just abandoning the warehouse, I wasn't looking to get shot, not here, not today.

I tried to save the warehouse, I tried to save my gang, I really did. But the cops were too hot on our trail, I wasn't about to dismantle everything I'd built though. So I came up with a compromise: we would have to drop our "Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory" spiel, but we'd be able to keep the business running, just a little quieter. The plan was to transition our base of operations into a very unassuming tech support company, no one would suspect a thing. We called our company "Apple." We picked up quite a few new employees too, though I'm not sure they were even aware what they had gotten themselves into. For example, some guy named Stanley, he wasn't particularly useful, but he knew too much for us to just fire him. So we stuck him in a room with some blinky buttons to make him feel like he was contributing something. But anyway, everything seemed to be going perfectly, the sales kept flowing, and the cops continued not showing.
But I wanted more; I was the only one who recognized the untapped potential in our mind-control acid, and I planned to take action. Very quietly, we were able to construct our massive underground super villain lair, complete with big red led lights, random hydraulics that made cool sounds, and of course, my new machine. This machine would be capable of transferring the acid into the powder, and the powder into a gas. With a touch of a button, I would be able to pump the gas anywhere I'd like, allowing me complete and total control of that person. I could see through their eyes, feel through their hands, it was pretty creepy honestly. But I could tell, if I could find the right buyer, it would be very, very profitable.
Before I could FINALLY have a break though, Tyrone busted in to tell me the police, more specifically, Commissioner Gardon, was on the news talking about how he cracked down on our location. At first, I wasn't too worried, we were pretty well hidden, they probably had a dud or something. But as I continued watching, I realized they actually had us, and we'd only have a few minutes to pack up and ship out. I yelled out to Big Jim: "JIM, PUMP OUT ALL THE ACID BEFORE THE COPS GET HERE, AND GET MY ANIME FIGURINES." Big Jim turned to me and nodded, then asked if I wanted him to clear my search history as well, I told him of course I did, then quickly got to work myself.
I ran into my office where I had a hidden elevator that would take me straight down to my machine. Once I got down there, I knew what I had to do. The only way we were going to pump all the acid into our trucks before the cops got here, was to use some of it on the police themselves. I readied the key in for ignition and typed in my password, except, it didn't work. I started to panic, this had been my password for the last 17 years, why wasn't it working? Then, as I watched the security cameras in my peripheral vision, I saw him. Stanley, the unassuming innocent employee, he hadn't been just pushing random buttons, he had rewritten my entire system software. I was locked out of my own system. I should have known Stanley had been up to no good, I should have known he'd been pulling the strings. But it was far too late, as I heard the sound of the door behind me slam open, I dropped to my knees, and put my hands behind my head.

Moral of the story, don't do drugs kids, or, liquid mind-control acid in my case.