All because of you

Dying

I am drowning in this horrible silence
I am drowning
Im going to die
I look up at the Grey-white top of the swimming pool water. high high above I can see where the light of the water changes.The surface. but its meters away. it might even be kilometers. the chlorine stings my eyes.
my lungs are on fire.
just one breath. just one.
i have to take a breath, even if i know i will breath in water. but my lungs burn and my blood is roaring and my whole body is asking for air. if i don't take a breath ill burst. if i do take a breath ill drown. some choice. no choice. i closed my eyes praying hard and kick kick kick. i open my eyes the surface of the water look further away.
I'm going to drown.
a fact. a fact as clear as real as the silence around me. a part of me is laughing. i am going to drown. after everything I've been through in the last months this is how I'm going to die. one thought came into my mind.
one thought...
maria...
i stop kicking. i have no energy left.
i stop fighting. I'm so tiered. i can feel my body sink.
now for the hard part.
now for the easy part.
now for the hard part.
give in. let go.
just one breath...
just one...
just...
"Are you ok?" Burt said
"Yeah yeah"
"You sure?"
"Yes im ok" I told him
"what were you doing"
"Just sitting " I answered
"I dont think you should be here"
"Stop making such a fuss sometimes I think you are worse than mom and dad"
"I always think if your parents catch us here... what if something happens to you"
"Oh bog of burt" I told him
"Ok fine..."
"Look Burt i...I'm" I only got up to there when rasheed said "hey Burt want to play dare devil??"
"coming" Burt turned to me and said "look be careful sit by the edge"
Burt went back to play in the pool with his friends while I sat at the side of the swimming pool as my heart isn't good enough to go in. about two years ago my parent discovered I had an infection in my heart which prevents me to breath well. I was scared. scared that I wasn't going to be alive before my 14th birthday.
"Im leaving" I told Burt
"but wait..." I already left. I was going to the bus trying to think about what I always thought journeys to the moon and things I will never do but I couldn't instead I just prayed that mum and dad wouldn't be fighting because of me again.