Feelings of dark nights

First of many

It's been many days since I thought that writing a book can be a good idea to free myself; however, I don't even have an idea of how to write or about what.
I am a college student with a difficult life, well maybe I have been making it difficult for myself. When I was kid I always preferred to stay away from my own family but I never expected to be away from me. It is that I'm afraid of people or what happened. That I keep myself inside these walls, I know the world outside is scary and I have been there many times, even so I don't have the courage to confront the reality.
Trying to find the answers for all my questions, connecting points, and feeling like I am a detective trying to solve a case my own case.
You may ask why you don't look for help. I never told anyone how I feel and have always tried to lock everything inside since I was probably born. There are only two people who know about and don't even half of everything going on with me.
Even the days when I laugh the most to the point of getting a coughing attack, I end up crying for nothing or everything and none notice. Nothing can comfort my heart, no music, no drawing, no dancing.
I started drawing as a hobby but there's a problem. I can't draw faces, no idea why, but I can't.
In 20 years I lost love, passion, happiness, and so on. I don't laugh easily and take everything seriously, so I become a boring person for people and they don't talk to me.
Every morning I wake up trying to get a better day but I even lost my shadow and I feel lonely even around people incompetent, with a white mind, without talent.
I'm the only one able to change. Which will be my decision? Keep this way or make a change.