The Dreams of the Past

Veil of Despair

Pretending and putting on an act for everyone to believe is tough to maintain since it may break apart at any moment. Pretending is problematic because it must be flawless. To be more specific, you must be uninformed to shield yourself from damage. I was doing it subconsciously, and for once, I never regretted it. The sorrow intensifies as my heart grows heavier with each passing day. Others may think I'm immature, but that's just me, and that's who I am. The penalties are paid for by the everyday agony you've endured. There will always be someone who will push through the boundaries I've set up, and that person may or may not be you. However, the one who can tear down the walls may also be the one who aggravates the agony. It is the circumstance I will never forget, etched into my heart as it shatters the thin glass of preservation.

I'm used to faking my emotions, the smile I used to put on in front of everyone saying, 'I'm OK,' the tears that flowed when someone was unhappy,' she says. 'I feel your sorrow, your nervousness, which makes me uncomfortable, your dread of losing someone. Even if I'm accustomed to it, and your wrath, which rises when I talk to you,' she continues. "I apologize, but I'm afraid of myself." I become furious with myself when I can't control myself. I'm sorry, but I have enough of this and don't care anymore. "It's just me and an empty mannequin of my version." I've lost track of how many nights I've sobbed beneath the bedsheets. Overthinking has always been both my enemy and my friend. Pairs of arms lurked around the black hole, drawing me down piece by piece until I succumbed. Now I am a part of the darkness within me, trapped in an eternal abyss of my hollow.

I awoke to the sound of chirping outside my window, and a light knock at the door. "Dear, are you awake?" my mother asks. I slowly rolled out of bed and opened the door to see her smiling. "Hurry up and tidy yourself, it's the last day of school", I nodded and shut the door. After finishing my morning ritual and being dressed and ready to leave, I take my luggage and walk downstairs. As I proceeded to approach the university entrance, I felt an arm wrapped over my shoulder, and it was. I groaned and brushed it aside before continuing on my journey to my classroom. Ignoring the buzzing sound, the first things I'd miss are whispers, murmuring noises, and resentful states.

As I gaze at the stairway going to the rooftop, thinking what transpired, the day concludes with a little thrill. I come to a halt and turn the doorknob. A chilly air greets me. 'Hmm, I can sense sadness'. I say as I drop my luggage on the floor. My feet lead me to the railings, and my body rises to the railings as if possessed. Loud noise can be heard from behind, calling my name from a distance. I looked behind, "You again?" I asked. Instead of responding to its question, he reached his hand out to me, a sharp sword piercing my chest as I watched him sobbing and imploring. I closed my eyes and placed my weight behind me. His voice, pleading with tears and the warmth of his arms, was the last thing I heard.

"I should not have let you leave. Perhaps you're still at my side holding my hands and laughing at my foolish puns." All of this should have been evident to me..." As I held my lover's icy body, my eyes grew cold. Years have gone by, yet I still can't forget her, and my thoughts of her remain in my mind. Today marks the tenth anniversary of her death, as well as the day I first met her, and I still mourn her loss. If only I realized she wasn't happy anymore. I lit candles and placed flowers on her grave. I saw there was already a bloom, a single blossom in her favorite color, Middle mist red. I looked about and saw no one, 'that's strange,' and felt a chilly air, but the candlelight was unaffected.

One wrong move and it may trigger something in that person who is having a mental illness. You realize that everyone has a secret, and it is not as easy as you believe. Never judge nor take advantage of them. They are still humans, who can feel pain and get hurt from words that were tended at them. There are many depressed people out there, trying to mingle with the crowd with the mask that they wear every day. It was tough to compress your emotions and hide them. Imagine yourself trapped within a prison with no form of constraint. You're simply terrified of being judged and teased, fearful that others won't understand your sentiments, and afraid that no one would listen. Yes, I am a frightened coward. "It is just all in your head", "Walang depress-depress, mayaman ka ba para mag inarte", "Try mo kasing makihalubilo", "Express yourself more kasi". How could I?

I knew how it felt to try to imitate someone's demeanor and manner. The danger is that you may lose yourself in the process, and you may not recognize yourself. Then eventually you may not realize you are imitating someone else and missing your own. The pressure and expectations can be one of the many reasons you choose to hide your real emotion rather than express them.

Eminem said that "When you feel like you have it up to here, and you're mad enough to scream, but you're sad enough to tear, that's rock bottom." I don't know what to say because I literally felt that, and it hit me hard. That bluntness made me speechless. Being conscious of our sentiments and validating them may assist alleviate the weight that you are carrying; it can also help you by giving you the impression that you are not alright and that's acceptable. What changes might occur in our bodies and minds? You must realize that eliminating the agony will not benefit you in the slightest. Suicide will never be an option. Try to learn more, express more, and socialize more, because it can help in other ways. In that way, I can help others rather than deal with it alone, because I know how it feels and it scares me that somebody is trying to go through them without help. 

----------

Authors' Note

How do you also feel being a burden? Being someone insignificant? Being hated? However, caging them can bring emptiness and make your life colorless. If you are worried of feeling anxious, always make sure to get some help and rant them out, can be to a mirror, friend or a family. Stay positive and remember you are the owner of your life, make the use of it to the fullest.

Like, comment and Share!

From yours truly,