it Can Never Be The Same

I sat there with her, staring at her pale face and now fraile form. I knew Mary was sick. We didn't know if she would get better. I frowned. It never felt like she would get better. I wanted her to get better. To be well again, to be able to dance around our living room again. I wanted to breathe again and not feel the crushing pain in my chest. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before all of this when she was well.

"You're doing it again bob."

I was jolted from my thoughts by her sweet soft voice. I smiled and looked up at her form on the bed next to me. "Sorry love." She smiled, and tried to put her hand over mine, but couldn't. I closed my eyes and placed my hands under hers. "Don't worry, love, I'll get better. I promise." I kissed her cheek and nodded. "I know M." She smiled, and I could see the hope in her eyes. I smiled back hoping she couldn't see the fear in mine.

A knock on the door stole our attention. "Come in." A nurse appeared from behind the door and I could feel the weight grow on me knowing I would have to leave my beloved soon. Soon she'd be taken into more testing. More treatments. More of it all. I squeezed Mary's hand as we made small talk with the nurse. That's when I was asked to leave. Before leaving I kissed her and tried to make sure everything could be accessible to her when she was left alone in her hospital room.

"I'll miss you," I whispered as our parting goodbye.

I then headed for the somber walk to the car. I hated this routine and this wasn't even the worst of it. We had many more months of constant hospital stays. Constant fear. I took a deep breath as I waited in the elevator, not even remembering how I'd gotten there-my body on autopilot. Once I reached the car I decided to head straight for the pub, knowing that Simon would be waiting for me there.

I knew Mary wouldn't be too happy to know that after almost every visit that was my first stop. Simon quickly learned that when I came back from the long journey to the hospital that all I wanted was a drink. He was the only thing keeping me from falling into my own darkest of hells through all of this.

I felt the heaviness from my chest lighten ever so slightly as I pulled into the parking lot. As expected Simon was there. I smiled slightly seeing that from the window of the pub he had already ordered me a pint. "Hey, Rob....how-how's Mary doing?" I shook my head frowning as I sat down across from him. "I think she's doing worse, but the doctors are saying she's better than the last time." I took a sip, already planning my evening ahead of time.

"Sorry Rob...wish there was something I could do." I swallowed," Me too."

As the night went on we began to talk about the past. I couldn't seem to stop talking about my beloved Mary, how we had only a year ago we had been dancing around the room of this pub singing along to Starman by David Bowie. Before she was sick. Before she lost her strength. That's when Simon took me to his house, my now second home. I hugged him tightly and I could feel him embrace me. "She's-she's gonna get better Rob. It's M, she's one of the most stu-stubborn women I know." I nodded not letting him go.  I could feel the irrational fear of losing him too. "My room?" I nodded at his question as I finally let him go to let us into his house. 

Despite the fact that we had always shared a bed during a tour, and Mary's typical absence during that time, this all was so different for the both of us. I was sleeping with him to keep away from the nightmares that had all but returned to me. Often I would wake up after finding Mary's lifeless body or having to bury her next to my grandparents. Simon was always there when that happened and would always hold me tight grounding me in the reality. On the rare occasions when that didn't even work he would call Mary or a doctor to show me that it had only been just a nightmare. Thankfully that hadn't happened too recently.