Where We Walk In The Clouds

CHAPTER 3

Willow

It feels weird. Standing in the empty room that was filled with the last four years of my life. The empty apartment, the empty feeling in my heart. A space once filled by my mum. My mind is still trying to process it all, recount all the events in my life that lead to this precise moment and I can't help but wonder whether one slightly different choice might have changed this outcome... Whether my mum would still be here if just one thing had been different.

But life is full of 'what ifs' and 'I wonders' and I know for a fact that my mum wouldn't want me to throw my life into a dark, downwards spiral because of her actions. But now that I'm standing here, staring at the picture frame that holds the most recent picture of me and mum, I can't help but feel the tears prick at my eyes as my chest tightens uncomfortably and I know deep down that my downwards spiral began years ago. And no one even noticed.

The feeling isn't getting any better. The horrible sinking feeling I get in my stomach when I remember. It's been a week and I thought it would at least begin to fade but I don't really know what I was expecting. I'm probably naive. Thinking that this was going to pass just like everything else does. Times a healer as they say but nothing can prepare you for losing your mum. Especially when you always thought you'd be gone before her, but that's another story entirely.

I carefully wrap it up in some bubble wrap and put it in a box filled with the contents of my room. I tape up the box and stand back. This is it. The start of another chapter. A chapter I didn't expect. My dad lingers awkwardly in the doorway, his eyes flicking between me and his watch. It's been four years I last saw him and he still hasn't changed, his mind constantly fixed on his new perfect little family he's formed back in Cornwall, he's even time watching now as I pack up the contents of my life I spent with my mum. His once wife. My now dead mum. Yet he doesn't even seem to care, or at least show it.

Fucking prick.

I pick up the box and walk towards my dad, his hand reaches up to ruffle my hair and I have to force myself not to flinch away from him.

"Is that it kiddo?" He speaks nonchalantly as if everything is fine and dandy in the world. I look up at him and try not to show just how fed up I am with him already. This is going to be a long summer.

"Yep. Don't call me kiddo, I'm not a kid anymore, but you probably can't even remember how old I am." I push past him with the box and walk down the stairs to where his brand new shiny expensive car sits, I place the box in the boot. I'm half tempted to key his car and write 'massive prick' on the glossy black doors but I refrain. If I want a place to live for the next few months I need to cause as little friction as possible. At least until I have enough money to get a place of my own. The only thing I'm excited about is finally getting to see Sam again, but I have a weird feeling in my chest that nothing will be the same. Not now that our mum is gone.

I sigh rooting around in my bag until I find a packet of cigarettes, I take the last one out, cursing at myself because I promised mum I'd quit. But the stress over the last week has meant I haven't quite been able to sustain that promise. But I will, when I can. I place it between my lips, pulling up my lighter as I take a big inhale, a calming effect coming over me as I feel the smoke fill my lungs. I close my eyes, tilting my head back as I slowly exhale while I lean against the car waiting for my dad. And for the first time in a while, I think I feel somewhat calm, or like nothing is real, I can't quite tell which it is. But that's just probably me disassociating as a coping mechanism with all the shit that's going on.

"Since when do you smoke?" There's a hint of annoyance in my dad's voice as he tries to assert some kind of parental authority over me. But it just makes me want to laugh in his face instead.

"Since when did you give a care? You've only just remembered that you've got another daughter other than your little perfect 'kiddo' Lily." I scoff at him, annoyed that he ruined my moment of peace but this will no doubt be a regular thing over the next few months.

He stares at me as if he's contemplating saying something but he sighs instead, "Just get in the car Willow."

I roll my eyes but do as he says, I snub my cigarette out on his car and smile to myself smugly before dropping it on the floor and getting into the passenger seat. As expected, silence fills the car until the engine purrs to life, pulling away from the curb as I look out at the busy London streets. And finally, it dawns on me, that this is really happening. The start of my new life without my mum. I can feel myself choking up, my nails are digging into my palms to stop myself from crying, I won't let myself cry in front of my dad. I wouldn't like him to get the satisfaction out of seeing me be upset. I won't let him. Instead, I'll let him see just how much of a storm of chaos I can be and smile at the damage I'll leave in my wake.