HeartStopper One Shots

Nick x Charlie x Reader -It's Okay Not To Be Okay (Requested)

Requested by mati_A10
CW/TW: mention of self-harm, mention of blood, mention of razors/blades, mention of suicide

The crimson liquid poured down your arms, slices, deep and shallow, covering your arms and thighs.
"It doesn't hurt."
"I'll be fine."
    "I'm okay."
"This is just a one-time thing."
You were on the floor of your bathroom, blood soaking your arms, your blade sitting next to you on the floor, coated in both new and old blood. You didn't have the energy to get up, to clean up the blood. There was a knock on your front door, you were home alone, not expecting anyone. The door began to open, forgetting you gave Nick a key, and panic set in. You tried to stand, but your legs were too weak to hold the weight of your body.
Knock...Knock... Knock...
"Y/N?" You heard your boyfriend, Nick, call from the other side of the locked bathroom door.
"Y/N? Open the door." Charlie, also your boyfriend, added, trying to hide the worry in his voice, but failing.
"I'm okay." Hiding the tears in your voice, wanting nothing more than to not worry your boyfriends. Attempting to stand again, grabbing the counter behind you for support.
"Open the door. Y/N! Please, we're worried about you, just open the door so that we can talk." Nick added, his voice becoming increasingly worried with each word he spoke.
Throwing the blade into the trash to hide what you were doing before they arrived, you turned the sink on quickly, washing off the blood that poured from your arms. You pulled down the sleeves of your- Charlie's hoodie, unlocked the door, and plastered on a fake smile.
Charlie immediately pulled you into a hug, you winced as your arms came into contact with his back. Nick joined in on the hug, hugging you from behind, trapping you in a Nick & Charlie sandwich.
"Y/N. Please talk to us, we want to help you." Nick pleads
"I know it's not easy asking for help, but, please, Y/N. We're worried about you. You're not yourself anymore, you fake laughs and smiles, you barely leave your room, let alone your house, your favorite hobbies don't make you happy, you sleep during classes, that is if you even show up, and your grades are slipping. Darling, please talk to us. I hate seeing you suffering and not being able to help." Charlie cries.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm not a good enough boyfriend, I'm sorry that I can't get out of bed, I'm sorry that I won't talk to you, but, I don't know what you want me to say when I don't even know what I feel or why I'm like this. I'm sorry that I can never be a good enough son, I'm sorry for being alive. I know that me being here, just me being alive causes you guys pain, I'm sorry for being such a wreck, maybe everything would just be better without me. I know that it would. Just go home, I'll be out of your hair soon."
"Baby, did you do something to-to hurt yourself?" Nick's voice softens, tears streaming down his face.
Silence. You didn't know what to say. How do you tell the two men that you love that you had been doing exactly what they were worried about?
"Y/N?" Charlie questions. "What did you do? Did you take something?" Charlie breaks to hug to look at you, when you don't meet his gaze he places two fingers under your chin to force you to look at him. Both of you had tears streaming down your faces.
"I didn't take anything." You choke out.
"Did you hurt yourself, darling?"
"I'm sorry..."
"Stop saying the 'S' word. You didn't do anything wrong. Just tell us what you did so that we can help you." Nick says softly.
Unable to form the words to tell them, you pull up your sleeves, revealing the months of cuts along your arms, the smiley face you made a few months ago had finally healed. Looking at your feet, not wanting to see the disapproving faces of your boyfriends. You could only guess how much more they hated you, how much more disgusted they were by you. "Who could ever love someone like this?" You questioned.
You expected yelling, them telling you that you were a disgrace and that you didn't deserve to live, instead, you were met with another Nick-and-Charlie-Hug-Sandwich.
The boys finally let you out of the hug a moment later, leading you back into the bathroom and sitting you on the sink. Nick grabbed some antiseptic wipes, gauzes, medical tape, and hydrogen peroxide. Charlie stood between your legs watching you, wondering how someone so special, so perfect, could hate themselves so much. Nick came back a few moments later. Nick began cleaning the cuts on your left arm whilst Charlie did the right, it was silent, not awkward silence, but comfortable silence. The two of them had finished cleaning, and wrapping your arms about 5 minutes later.
"Y/N?" Charlie asked. "Can you please look at me, darling?"
You looked up, noticing the tears that had dried on his perfect face.
"You are perfect, my love. I hate that someone had made you feel like this. You are a perfect boyfriend, and a great son, you don't need to apologize for being human. You're going through something that Nick and I can only imagine. You don't need to apologize, just know that we are here for you and we will do whatever you need us to for you to get better." Charlie said, resting his hand on your cheeks, making sure you heard what he was saying. "This world is better because you are in it. If you ever get the urge to cut yourself or hurt yourself again, call us, we want you here with us."
"Baby, there is so much to live for. Please come to us next time. If you need us to talk to your parents about getting you help, we can do that. If you're not ready for that right now, that's okay, but we will be here when you are. We just want you to be okay. I love you, Y/N." Nick hugged you from the side, just hoping that his words would help you.
"Thank you. I'm sorry for being a mess. And I know you told me to stop saying the 'S' word, Nick." You wipe the tears that you didn't know had fallen from your eyes. "Could you be with me when I talk to my parents?"
"Of course, Mon Amour." Nick places a soft kiss on your temple.
"Do you want to watch a film, we can stay here with you tonight?" Charlie suggests wanting to distract you from whatever may be in your mind.
"That'd be great."

Word Count: 1129

A/N: Sorry this took so long for me to write, this one hit close to home and wasn't easy for me to write. But I just wanted to add that if y'all ever feel like this or can relate to this story please know that it is okay, not to be okay. It does get better. My messages are always open if you want someone to talk to or just someone to listen to. If you feel like you need help please ask or call your country's National Suicide Hotline Number.