"I trust you"

Here you go mooties 🥺

          NOTE: I know I put this in the desc but this has very serious themes such as suicide and depression, if EITHER of those trigger you please do not read. They are not major but they are mentioned, and sort of the main focus of one part. If not, read on and see the beautiful angst for yourself. 😍

Dazai Osamu POV.

          "Goodbye, Chuuya." As those words left my mouth despite the smile on my face yet I didn't feel happy.
I didn't feel happy at all. I didn't feel anything at all, except for one thing.
I felt something I hadn't felt in a while, something since when I lost Odasaku
I felt sadness, raw, unfiltered, unwavering and merciless sadness.
Not the fake kind that wasn't real, the one I'd act like I had to bother someone, usually being Chuuya or Kunikida. No, this sadness was real. And it felt very real.
That sinking feeling in your stomach, the dread, the overwhelming sense of disappointment and regret.
It was all real. Everything. Chuuya, drowning in front of me, Dostoevsky in the water with him, Sigma behind me standing there with a dumbfounded expression.
It is all real.
I'm smiling.
Why am I smiling?
I don't feel like smiling.
I feel like crying.
But I can't do that can I?
It wouldn't make sense.
I can't cry.
I chose this.
Its all part of my plan.
I chose this.
Right?
So why does it feel wrong?
Why do I want nothing more than to jump into that water with him and drag him out of it?
Why do I want to say everything I was always too afraid to?
Why now?
Why when I chose to kill him?
I could still save him right?
No, I can't do that it wouldn't go with the plan.
It must all go according to plan.
But wasn't it part of the plan that he'd save himself?
It'll be easy right?
Use corruption.
I'll save you.
I always will.
So why isn't he?
Why is he letting it happen?
Why is he not moving?
Why does he look like that?
Why is he not trying?
Why is he looking at me?
Why is his mouth moving?
Why
Is
He
Mouthing
Sorry?
He shouldn't be saying sorry, I should. I put him in there. I wanted to kill him. I did this, not him. I've always bothered him. I've always got him in life or death situations. I even brought him into the Port Mafia. And he trusted me.
So why is he apologizing?
And why does it hurt so much?
Why do his eyes look like that?
He doesn't look like a vampire.
That's the lightest I've ever seen his eyes actually.
They look so..
Human?
But isn't he a vampire?
And why does he look so, sad?
Not sad but, betrayed?
Why does he look like this hurts him?
Can't he tell it hurts me more?
To see him like this?
To see him drowning in the same water Dostoevsky is?
Can't he tell this hurts me more?
Stop looking at me like that.
Stop
StopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStopStop
STOP!
I closed my eyes, blocking the sight of my ex-partner in a room filling with water I trapped him in.
I could feel the tears threatening to fall, but I couldn't cry. I did this, I put him in there. I shouldn't feel bad. Its his fault for getting himself caught up in this, and helping Dostoevsky. Not mine for killing him.
No, he's not dead.
He won't die.
I know he won't.
He'll make it out.
I have to move on with the plan though, I can't stop to think about if he will survive or not. That's not important anymore.
I turned around, I look at Sigma with a smile and say, "It's time I got out of here."
I don't want to leave though, I want to be with him. I want to save him, to hear his voice, to hear him yelling at me, to bicker with him, to do something with him. I don't want to leave him.
Is what I think as I leave him behind, with a smile on my face.
Chuuya will survive.
I know he will.
He always does in his own miraculous ways.
I can't kill him that easily.
He'll bounce back.
Easily.

[Two months one week three days fifteen hours and thirty two minutes since "The escape"]

          He's dead.

          They just found Chuuya's body. He's dead. I killed him. They didn't find Dostoevsky's. I knew he'd survive, but I thought Chuuya would too.
Why didn't he? I would've saved him if he used corruption. So why didn't he use it? Doesn't he know I'd help?
I guess not.
Its been two months since then. I shouldn't feel as  bad as I do. I shouldn't feel like this.
I did it, so why do I still feel..
Regret?
I shouldn't regret it. I did it knowing too damn well how it would turn out. So why does it hurt still?
I don't miss him do I?
No. I don't miss him. I wouldn't have done this if I would've missed him.
But I do.
I really do.
I miss his anger, his sadness, his in my opinion tacky sense of fashion, his hair and how soft it felt to the touch and, I miss his smile.
I miss him.
So why did I do it? Why did I take away the one life I cherish so much? Why did I take away something that made me so happy?
Is it just because I'm selfish?
Should I join him?
I've tried to commit suicide many times, but I knew none of them would work. I just did them to do them I guess. I wanted someone to care. Now I have people who do. Chuuya did. He cared. I could tell he tried his best to hide it, but I know he cared.
And that's one of the things I liked about him.
Dare I say that was one of the things I loved about him.
So why did I take him away? Why did it take away the one person who cared for me for so long?
Because I'm selfish.
I'm a very selfish man.
Maybe I really should join him.
So that's what I'll do.
I know many ways to commit suicide that will work like a charm, I just never tried them.
So maybe this time I will.
I grabbed the key.
I opened the drawer.
Grabbed the box.
Unlocked it.
Pulled out the gun.
Checked to see all six bullets.
I usually preferred to not bother anyone with my suicide attempts.
Either it be not getting blood everywhere, a loud bang, or hard cleanup.
But that was when I wouldn't die.
Now I will.
I put the gun to my head.
I hesitated.
Then pulled the trigger.

Nakahara Chuuya POV.

[Two months earlier]

           So this is it?
Dazai will kill me with that shitty smile on his face, no trace of sadness or regret on his face at all. That lying bastard.
Anyone who doesn't know him well would believe that he truly is happy.
That he is perfectly fine with killing his partner.
But I know better.
There's a slight strain in his smile, there's a tightness in his jaw, his eyes are shut a bit too forcefully.
It's those small things only someone who has known him for as long as I have would notice.
Water is filling the room quickly.
Its already almost at the top of the room already.
I was actually starting to panic.
I know I could use corruption to easily break out of this, kill Dazai and Sigma and get out of it easily.
But something is stopping me, yet I don't know what.
I won't, I'll trust Dazai to save me.
He always does.
There is no way he will stop now.
I trust him with my life after all, so matter what the situation.
If I'm fighting alone I trust him.
If I'm fighting with him I trust him.
No matter what I trust him.
So I know he'll save me.
Even after I pass out.
As I am now.
As my lungs burn.
As black spots fill my eyes.
As my sight blurs.
As everything seems to slow.
I look at Dazai and mouth something I've wished to say for years.
"I'm sorry Osamu."
As my conscious drifts away.
As everything blacks out.
I've done what I've always wanted to.
It's not like he won't save me.
Even if I black out I trust him to do it.
I trust him.
I always have and always will.
So even if it seems like I'm dying, he'll save me.
"I trust you
Dazai Osamu."
I say as I reach my hand out of the water slowly.
I trust him to grab it and pull me out.
Even as I loose my conscious.
Even as I drift...
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