Carrie sat curled up, and crying on her sofa. After her conversation with her dad and Marlena, she had gone home. She cried because, although he was John, in her heart he was also still Dad, and while she didn't say it out loud, Carrie knew that he would probably always be her dad. She was angry...angry at Billie, and angry at herself. She felt like she had let John and Marlena down in the worst way. She heard Billie's footsteps approach, but she didn't want to talk to her, so she ignored her.
"Here's some tea. It'll make you feel better," Billie said quietly. Carrie just shook her head, as it laid in her arms, indicating that she didn't want the tea, but Billie continued, "There's nothing in it...it's, um, it's just tea." Carrie still refused to speak to her, or even look at her, but Billie kept talking to fill the void of silence, "Look, if it freaked you out so much to lie for me, why'd you do it?"
Carrie finally lifted her head up, to look at Billie in anger, "I didn't do it for you, Billie! I did it for Austin."
"I should have guessed that," she said sullenly, looking down.
"I mean, what kind of holiday would that be for him, having you in jail? It was my Christmas present to him. They would have thrown the book at you," Carrie told her.
"Well, I mean they just gave you a little slap on the wrist. It was really no big deal," Billie said with little remorse, not fully understanding the pain Carrie felt at letting her parents down in such a huge way.
"But it is a big deal! You didn't see the hurt, and the disappointment in their eyes! They've always been so good to me, and I failed them," Carrie started crying again.
"That's really tough, huh?" Billie said, finally, maybe, starting to understand. She had never felt that kind of guilt about letting someone down, except maybe Austin when she relapsed back onto drugs.
Carrie looked at Billie, her eyes swollen from crying, "More than tough, knowing they'll never trust me again. My Dad raised me all by himself for years! He worked hard to make sure I was safe, and taken care of...and now he thinks I stole from him? I can't deal with this...just leave me alone for awhile, okay?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Carrie arrived at the Christmas Eve program late, hoping to avoid additional conversations with Marlena about the incident with the check earlier. She was also hoping to avoid conversations with her father, who always seemed ready with a passive aggressive critique on some new aspect of her life. What she found, made the little girl inside her weep for what was, and what had been. Her father wasn't there, but her Dad was. He was seated beside Marlena, holding her hand in his, with Brady asleep in his lap, watching a Christmas program. Carrie wanted her family back...the old one. The one full of laughter, jokes, hugs, and unconditional love. She knew that both John and Marlena were upset with her, but she never once doubted their love. With Roman, she always felt like his love was dependent on something, and she never seemed to meet the bar with him. With John, he always loved her, even when she screwed up royally. She stood at the end of the row, with tears streaming down her cheeks, and when John looked up, and saw her, with his amazing capacity for love, he gave her one of his odd smirks with the eyebrow lift, and held his arm out to her. Carrie slid in beside him, under his arm, and laid her head on his shoulder. John wrapped his arm around her, giving her a quick squeeze, and they sat there, Carrie wrapped up in John's arm, while his other hand held onto Marlena.
Marlena wanted so badly for this to be her life, instead of a temporary moment in time. She wanted John, and the twins, Brady and Carrie. She wanted to wake up in Johns arms, and she wanted to go to sleep in his arms. She felt the slow caress of his thumb over her palm, and she shivered in need, which she knew, was not really appropriate for the venue. The heat of John's thigh against hers, and the smell of his cologne was driving her mad. She looked over at him to find him already staring at her, and she gave him a small shy smile. John leaned down, and whispered in her ear, "You look beautiful tonight, Doc."