You can't do it can't do it.

The most impossible child in the world.

M

im not normal.

i mean ive always known there was something wrong with me, the way id get extremely happy over little things, and extremely sad over anything that ruined my mood.

i never got how people could keep a conversation going, i would always freeze up, not know what to say, or id say too much and the person would run away.

it was this continuous cycle of making a 'friend', speaking about whatever had peaked my interest and them getting weirded out or bored, then leaving me.
it was a shock when someone had genuinely wanted to be my friend, and ever since ive been so much happier. anne is my best friend, i always think back to when we first met.

it had been one of those days where id ramble on, and the other person would abandon me, but when i had begun to talk to anne, well, i knew then and there that she was different.

she didnt run, no.

she didnt avoid looking in my direction, no.

she didnt start backing away when i spoke about cynthia coven, no.

...

...

she listened.

anne listened, to me.

it was this moment of realization, that someone was actually listening to me.
i was afraid and covered my mouth, scared anne would run away from me and i had lost my chance at a great friendship.

but no.

she just looked at me with weariness?.. concern?

"whyd you stop talking marcy?"

...

what?

anne actually wanted me to continue?

no, this is another one of those dreams where id make a friend, they always ended badly. i dont want to have another dream like this.

i pinched myself, still believing i was in a dream.

but nothing happened.

...

"marcy?"

i was shocked to say the least, so i had continued to speak, just rambling on about the newest cynthia coven book, the second one. it seems like forever since that came out, it seems like forever since ive read a cynthia coven book at all.

— — — — — — — — ✰ — — — — — — — —

i wish i had the free will to be able to read a cynthia coven book again. i wish i could at least look at the cover, but i didnt have that luxury, no. ive been confined to living in eternal darkness, at least until i die.
i should be dead, but im not. im not and it hurts, just like that flaming sword impaling my chest over and over and over and-

i wish i didnt have to be living with this guilt, the guilt of knowing i hurt anne and sasha, my only friends, the best friends in the world. i wish i could see them one last time, i wish i could have one last happy fantasy adventure with them, just the three of us, no sprig or polly or hop pop or grime- just us.

all andrias wants is to see me suffer, thats what ive learned from my time in amphibia.

— — — — — — — — ✰ — — — — — — — —

its been at least a month since andrias gave me up to this core thing. to be honest, i wasnt paying attention to his whole monologue, was i in a state of panic? probably, most likely. i wish i had never brought us to amphibia.
i wouldnt be here, sasha wouldnt have that scar on her face, her beautiful face, now permanently brandished with a scar on her right cheek.
anne would be happier if i hadnt brought us to amphibia.

maybe, if anne hadnt met me on that fateful day, maybe, if i hadnt been so un-normal, maybe if i was good enough for mother and father, maybe, just maybe, if i wasnt so stupid as to tell sasha about that stupid music box, maybe if i had more courage and told anne and sasha about what i had done earlier, maybe if i wasnt such a wuss that i had to run away from my own home because i couldnt stand being alone,

we all would be normal kids.

but no, i was so unlucky that i was born such a weirdo.
i wonder what would have happened if i wasnt in that library on annes birthday, if i hadnt forgotten my own best friends birthday, what would have happened then? would we all be happy? would we be in class right now, anne and sasha talking to their friends, because they definitely deserve to be at home. they deserve all the love in the world, they deserve to be having fun with all their friends and being popular.

i deserve being trapped in this place, for all the things ive done to anne and sasha and olivia and yunan and sprig and polly and hop pop and grime and all of amphibia,

i deserve this and much worse, thats quite obvious.

...

i wonder what anne and sasha are doing right now.
i hope the portal worked, i hope annes back home, enjoying life with her parents, living like a normal 13-year-old kid and having fun in school, having tests, going out to the mall et cetera.

i hope sasha is okay, i hope she got away, far away from the castle.
i hope she found a way to get home, at least a way to live without the threat of andrias, i wish i had time to get the music box to bring sasha too. sasha deserves to have her old life back, sasha was everything i wanna be. pretty, head cheerleader, popular, beautiful.. et cetera.

by now, everyone should know, im not normal, everyone should have known for a while, it's obvious.

...

i want to be normal.