"Jim?"
He looked at me intently with those hypnotic blue eyes of his, similar to a cobra that is fixated on its prey. And at that moment, I equated him to a snake, one reptile I tremendously detest, and not the lamb I always thought he was. His stare did not waver as I sat there still and uncomfortable struggling to explain my feelings. I never thought I would ever have this conversation with him.
So many thoughts were going through my mind. Anger, disappointment, remorse, sadness all jumbled together which made a chaotic bundle of emotions that my mind could not decipher. But I had to explain in some clear concise form what I felt, but knowing I couldn't continue to pour my heart out while he watched me, I turned my head away in desperation.
"I am pissed off!" I finally blurted out. "You took our friendship away without even discussing it with me. Why did you do that? Huh?!"
No answer from him. The empty, cold silence was like the stillness during an ice storm. I wish I could get a response.
"Jim, was our friendship not enough? Did you think so little of all we shared?" Still no answer. The frustration was building inside of me, and I felt like physically attacking him in the hopes of getting him to say something, but that wasn't the answer.
I took a deep breath and asked as calmly as possible, "Why didn't you tell me what you were thinking? I would have listened and done something to help and..." The sobs choked me as I tried to voice my thoughts, but I let the tears take over and they flowed freely like heavy raindrops on a window pane. My friend, one who I confided in and trusted did not have the courtesy to tell me that he was no longer interested in continuing our relationship. I remembered fondly the dinners we would share, just we two. I would cook, and when he appeared at my apartment, the second he set foot inside, he'd loudly remark, "Oh my God. It smells delicious!" As the preparation continued, he'd pour us both a glass of Kendall Jackson chardonnay, his favorite, and we would share updates on our lives and personal jokes. His warm and infectious smile was exhilarating and his laugh which ricocheted throughout the room brought comfort from the trials of the day. We'd reminisce about past events and dinners and we always managed to get around to the night we met. It was January 9, 2009 at a friend's house and we spent the evening talking, oblivious to the people around us. I knew immediately I had reconnected with someone I had known all my life, but had never met before. How lucky was I? He once confided in me that I was one of the best friends he had ever made and I felt the same, since he listened and I believed he truly cared about what I had to say. Every time I saw him, I would say to myself, "That's my friend. Isn't he terrific?"
As we dined, we'd listen to Barbra Streisand, again a favorite of his, and try to mimic her voice, terribly I might add, and then we'd succumb to merely humming the melodies softly. After the plates had been cleared, we would sit on my couch with either another glass of wine or an after dinner dink, and we'd have a more philosophical discussion, trying to decipher the meaning of Life and what our purposes were. I remember him telling me that he found our purpose to love and be loved. Did he not know that I took that to heart? Did he not know how much I loved him and thought he loved me? All I knew was that it was over, and did it mean something or was it all a sham? I don't know. I hope that it did, because that is what I wanted to think.
Finally, without turning to meet his eyes, I heard his voice.
"Please don't be angry with me. You are the best friend anyone would want or could hope for and I hope I told you that enough. I never had such a close friend before. I shared more with you in the short time we knew each other that I had with people I had known my whole life. You were there when I needed you most and you never turned your back on me. You helped me through tough times and we will always have a connection. But, I couldn't continue, because I felt I was not being a good friend to you. I was just so unhappy with myself that I could not get past that feeling. There was nothing you could have done to make me see anything differently. I know I hurt you, but I was afraid that if I continued I was going to hurt and disappoint you more in the future. And that would have been worse to live with"
I turned and stared into those blue eyes.
"Jim, that is not true. You were a great friend to me and I wish you could see that. I just wish that you had not ended our friendship, and that we could still hang out and be together."
He still stared at me and at that point, I knew there was no longer and reason to continue the discussion and be angry. He had made up his mind and there was nothing I could do about it. Time is the only friend who could help me overcome the hurt, anger and despair of losing him. I had to forgive and only remember, as he would put it, "the laughter, that we would remember, whenever we remember, the way we were."
I picked up his photo, which I had been looking at, kissed it and said, "You is kind, you is smart, you is important, and you are loved. I will miss you Jim and you will live forever in my heart."
I put the photo on my desk and lay next to it a copy of the obituary. Only 51 years old and felt that Life had nothing more to offer and that he had nothing more to give. What was the worst was my friend was in pain, had serious doubts about his life, and there was nothing I could do to help him see otherwise. People come into our lives for a reason and albeit too late, Jim gave me the responsibility to not take people and/or Life for granted. I know he will always be with me and that jovial smile, his twinkling blue eyes and his flawless brown hair is ingrained in my memory and my heart forever. I have an angel watching over me and I thank God for him everyday.
