Poems

Dysphoria

If you don't know, I'm transmasc and I have to deal with a lot of dysphoria. This kinda captures some of my feelings about that.

Dysphoria
Significant distress or discomfort
In what makes up your body
Hoodies, sports bra, short hair
Its not enough
Every day is a struggle
A pain I can't put into words
A pain I cannot remove
She, girl, female, woman
Words that make me bleed within
"Dude, I thought she was a guy."
Why can't I be a boy?
Never flat enough
Never masc enough
Can't express myself the way I want
For they will see me as a girl
Can't be happy in relationships
For I know they don't see me as male
If God loves me so much, why am I in the wrong body?
I just want to be a normal teenage boy
Football, wrestling, getting girls
Surrounded by people
But still I feel alone
Not depressed, but I still want to die
Why does my own body make me die inside?
"It's just a phase."
"It'll get better over time."
"You don't need surgery."
"You're not a boy, it's fine."
They don't understand
It doesn't go away
Akin to depression, it doesn't just "get better"
Am I stuck like this forever?
My skin is very young
But my heart is very old
Experienced very little but too much
Can't stop the pain
It won't go away
Shove it down, it'll be over soon
They all know who I am
Yet they don't seem to care
Can't get up, can't go to school
Someone help me out of here
"It's not you, its me."
Sinking again
I can't feel anything
Over this constant pain
Misgendered, misnamed, misunderstood
They say this is the best neighbourhood
Will I ever look like a boy?
Will I ever be seen as a boy?
Will I ever be a boy?
Can't transition without my parents consent
Still a year until I can even think about it
I'm sick of this, why won't it go away?
I guess I'm forever stuck with this constant pain