One whole Day of Love

•Wrote on June 18, 1998 [Friday 4:25pm- 10:51pm]

Is anybody seeking that euphoric emotion called Love? well, I did and I found it...

Everything since I was 14, I started to quest all about Love, they said it's marvelous, all passionate, a phenomenological intimacy between two-person, and I yearn for it since then, but... the day came where I need to re-ponder that 'Love' they are saying, as I was like a child staring at the Innocence of white curtain drape on the stage, and the world was the stage, then I come to witness of what that white curtain, things that just enshrouded from behind beyond, a familiar ill will, a hostility feeling even I never experience it before has been perceived by my naked eye, crowded the surface of the wisdom I gained from those who have had experience... where it all started to stir my belief the day before Christmas...

•December 24, 1997 [wednesday, lunch at Stoke House Restaurant]

The day has been torture, similar to the case where like endorphins drain in your body, the sugar and spice are finally strange to hear like it came out wrong and nothing is right. Noticing my surroundings that were too dull and stiff, again, nothing was right, as if everything was abhorrent passing in front of the window glass of this place. The redwood texture of the tables each booth has is not appealing to the grey paint of this place, not even to match the unpalatable red seats. Christmas decor that festoons at the side seems hackneyed and covered with light dust swinging along to the polluted air.

In cinematic effect, the stereo should be playing a slow melancholic rhythm, but it was just a normal cling-clang of china's cutlery from people who are currently having their business to other human companies, going on to their daily basis, indeed original.

Letting myself into a daydream through the window at my left is the plural world and constant discursive event. I wonder: Did this other human also feel numb sometimes? Do they wish to escape from their reality and be just somewhere peaceful? Do they have someone to carry some baggage they're lifting throughout the day? Do they also have this facade around them to defend themselves from unwanted news? do they sometimes long for time to rewind and change what cataclysmic event had occurred that change their whole being forever? do they sometimes enveigle to swam their problem and be pathetic to long of acknowledgment by someone or gain attention? Do they also feel like me? Do they also feel ALONE?

I ponder all the questions I have in me where it's all useless. I have nothing in my power to change my mind on a tangent where I detest this for most, being weird and not pace...

My tranquil and trailing load of thoughts was cut off by the distracting incoming figure in my right peripheral vision, but I remained in my posture to look out my left side and focus my brain again going back to where I left myself thinking, but the figure was becoming clear with their redolent perfume that was invisibly swirling on the air I was breathing, I'm so occupied to my senses that I didn't notice how a woman out of nowhere come uninvited and took her seat in front of me

"Good day, I should ask if I can sit here, I noticed it's vacant, but you are so into your world..." she pauses to find a comfortable position on her seat before giving me a polite smile and continuing "do forgive me, If I came being intrusive" her voice can pull someone in motion due to its texture and rhythm, it's velvety alto that suits her so much.

I gave her a small polite smile out of the illusion that I am fine, even though deep down... I know It was forced due to my state, I then darted back my focus to where my previous attention was gone, it seems that she understands the word 'privacy' as I know she's now doing her own business like the others, which I am grateful.

Outside, cars are moving past through my view to the right and left, maneuvering, turning, or backing up per-suit to others' way with passengers bringing gifts and wearing a smile.