Diary For My Big Fat Social Anxiety

Chapter 1

Were other people fully aware that they have problems like social anxiety except for me? Because I only realized that I had it when I had to visit five households in a day and met a LOT of people where in they were all mostly VERY VERY talkative and social that they talked to me like I was not some stranger that was there because I was forced by my mother to come -in which case I AM- I am not, in anyway, related nor even knew any of them at that time. Oh but the titas will be titas, and I was forced to talk to them or at least listen as they talk about how small I used to be and their precious plants and whatnot. Their mouths sounded like a narrator for a commercial that needed to fit the thirty second time limit, they spoke so fast I was constantly bothered when droplets of saliva would come out of one of the titas' mouth. Anyway, I realized -or started suspecting- I had social anxiety when one of the titas pointed out that their son was seeing a psychiatrist because her son and his friends claimed he was suffering depression. She believed it was made up though, and the rest of her friends agreed that mental problems were just overreactions of the younger generation because we are too weak to handle our problems. Out of curiosity, when I got home I searched up things about what they talked about and whatnot on YouTube until I stumbled upon a channel that was dedicated on mental health. At first, I was just watching their videos because the narrator had a good voice and their animation was cute, then the next thing I knew, I got to learn or see sides of me that I hadn't even noticed before, including the reason behind my awkwardness most of the time.

All I can do is self diagnose because I can't see a professional to tell me if I really have social anxiety for some reasons. One, is that our family and most people in our country, does not believe in mental problems and won't believe me if I said I have one. Two, even if I sneak out to see a doctor, that would be impossible because I can't do most things alone, I can't even order food without stuttering multiple times.

My anxiety is probably as big as my weight because during my conversation with a popular girl at school, who I recently befriended at the time, I got so excited and nervous that my mouth were SHAKING. The type of shake when I get cold and would stutter a lot. She was looking for a book at the library and I couldn't help but overhear her when she was at the shelf that was in front of where I sat. Coincidentally, I was reading the book that she was looking for. "Is this what you need?" I closed the book and showed her the cover. I felt very confident talking to her, she was one of the girls that seemed kind and friendly that I want to be friends with. "Yes! Do you still need that?" She asked. "Oh no. You can use it now." Nearly stuttering, I was worried she would notice that I couldn't meet her eyes. Not that I didn't want to, but every time I make eye contact, it feels like my eyes would instinctively avoid it. The longest eye contact I possibly made was to my cat. To a person, the longest eye contact I made was with my mother, and it was just thirty seconds at most! Thinking about it makes me want to cry while laughing at myself. It feels both stupid and embarrassing.

"Thanks. You're from the class next door right?" Her question gave my head a quick pause like a loading screen before I nodded. . . More than the times I should have. I hope she didn't find me weird because of it. My first impression might be awful. "I should get going. Class is about to start. Thanks for the book!" She turned around and looked back on her shoulder to wave goodbye as her friends made her hurry. "Yeah- See you!" I said and quickly felt bad. Did "see you" seem too friendly? I don't want to seem like I'm trying hard to get close to her. Was it appropriate enough? Do people say that when they bid goodbyes? I could have said "you're welcome" or anything but that. This level of embarrassment is enough to appear in my mind at midnight.