PRESIDENT'S SON AND I

11: Feed Me

ZAFIR


I woke up earlier than I had expected. Because when I came back yesterday, I was hurt beyond words, there was pain, and guilt and anger that I had no way to end the day without drinking a bottle like I intended. So, I ended up gulping down two bottles and slept in the living room.

I couldn't believe she had accused me of that. Yes, I hate children. But that didn't mean I'd want her daughter to die no matter how heartless I am. But she looked at me with this pain in her eyes, as though I had done something unforgivable to her and threw the words at me. It was...the look had yet left my heart.

And right now, I stood in my bathroom as I brushed my teeth and wondered what I should do. She slept in the hospital with the girl and I knew they didn't take anything with them. I doubt if she had a dime in her. And food, they both needed to eat.

I hate the fact that I was even considering these things, but then, I couldn't help myself. I had thought of calling Jamal but I knew, on Saturdays, the guy only woke up when it's time for Zuhr salah and it was hours away from now. So, I wouldn't be selfish enough to call him when I can do all I'd call him to. When it basically was on me to do all that because the two of them are practically under my care now.

Quickly, I got ready and went to her room. It was still the same as the day I had mistakenly slept in the room. I woke up feeling so stupid and angry at myself, but the fact that I was hungry was enough to make me forget all that until she caught me eating her food. And then laughed. Lord, she laughed as though she was the happiest person on earth and I couldn't help but be envious of her.

I mean, it was obvious she had all loads of trouble on her shoulders. Because she didn't even have a place to stay, like Jamal had told me. But the girl managed to look so carefree and happy while she laughed. And no matter how much I'd like to deny that, she looked...beautiful? I don't know.

I shrugged my shoulders and opened the wardrobe. They had very few clothes, and I'm sure if not for the occasional ones Jamal bought for them, they wouldn't even get to this number. I got a bag and roughly put two clothes each for them. And then the baby's food, I managed to take everything I could until the bag was full and I went to my car.

On my way to the hospital, I got a takeaway for her and drove ahead. I was parking in the designated area for parking in the hospital when my attention got to the folder Mom had sent to me yesterday to my office. Something wrenched my guts and I wanted to scream at someone.

I had totally forgotten about the marriage thing and hopefully, my mind urged me to the fact that they, too, had forgotten. But it seemed like the witch hadn't forgotten all the ways she could torture me. I sat down in the car and began to flip through the folder she had sent. There were too many faces, and if I was being honest, the girls were beautiful but none of them struck my attention.

I knew I should probably make a choice amongst these girls before she decided to make it for me. But I'm not ready for making that decision yet. And right now, I could feel my nerves getting hiked with so much anger and I knew it wasn't healthy. Especially when I had to walk into this hospital and act like the sensible man I was taught to be.

So, I pushed all kinds of thoughts aside, flung the folder into the car and got out, getting all the things I brought along with me. I asked at the nurse station the room she was in, and after I was given the number of the room, I head there directly.

This was a bad idea, I knew. I've never acted like I cared about someone apart from Jamal. I still didn't care about her nor the daughter, but even feigning the act was completely out of my character. So, it felt a little odd and had me staring at the door for three minutes before I heard the sound of someone bawling their eyes out. And that someone probably was no one but her.

So, I pushed all kinds of thoughts out of my mind and walked into the room. There she was, seated at the far end of the room as she cried as painfully as the pain she was feeling in her heart. She had no idea I was in the room, so, she didn't even have time to collect herself when I saw her at her most painful moments.

I didn't know why something hard struck me. Like a tsunami of anguish. I just stood there, staring at her while she cried. I took a look of the bed and there was no little human as I expected I'd see. Did the girl die?

Maybe she died, and she didn't have a phone to call any of us, so she had no choice but to stay in the room and cry her eyes out while she waited for any sort of miracle to happen. And right now, if the baby had really died, I'm sure she hated me more than she actually did. I mean, it had only been hours ago when I told her that I'd be glad if her daughter died. And then she did. Crap!

So, I took tentative steps towards her and placed the nylons on the nightstand and proceeded to where she sat; knees brought up to her chest as she cried. I slipped on the carpet beside her, a part of my brain screaming at me. Because, what the hell was I doing?!

She sensed my presence then and turned to look at me. Her eyes? They were the most beautiful eyes I've seen, but coated with so much pain and anguish that it did little justice to the beauty of her eyes. It was as thought those eyes had seen more tragedy in her lifetime but still chose to sparkle with sunshine whenever she looked at someone.

Even when she looked at me with nothing but hatred in them, they were still beautiful. But today, she didn't try to keep at bay the kind of pain she felt. She stared at me...with raw, unfiltered pain that made me want to wrap her in my arms, away from any sort of harm in this world.

Okay, what sort of bullshit thought was that? And no matter how much I tried to push it away, it was still there. I want her to feel so much better. So, for once, I decided to act upon my emotions and see what would happen.

Her lips trembled when she saw me. Darkness clouded her eyes and more tears gushed down to her cheeks. It was as if I was a remembrance of a different kind of pain to her and seeing me did more harm to her than good. Maybe it was the words I said yesterday, and because they had happened, she couldn't help but hate me even more than she actually did, hours ago.

"What happened?" My voice came out soft. Because right now, she acted as though she were an egg being shipped from a different country and had the tag 'fragile' all over her body.

She opened her mouth to speak, but her words came out as a whimper. So, she clasped her lips back shut and cried even more. I pushed again. "Did something happen to the baby? Why can't I see her on bed?" I knew it was a foolish thing to ask, but that was the only thing I could come up with. 

She wiped at her tears, but more gushed down until it took us five minutes. While I sat beside her on the carpet, copying her sitting position and I listened to her cry. Maybe she wasn't ready to speak, and if she wanted my silence, I'd be more than willing to give it to her. I had already given up on hearing her speak when she did.

"She's with Nurse Anisa." She said, her voice hoarse from all the tears she had shed.

The way she had said it, it wasn't in the sense that. 'My baby is dead, you monster. The God answered your prayer just so you would be glad. And she's now with the nurse because I couldn't bear seeing her dead body before you deem it fit to come and check up on us.'

No, it came out rather like. 'I was so tired, so Nurse Anisa offered to take her for me.' Or maybe, it was more like. 'She's going to undergo some tests and she took her with her.' Or just something along the way that was lighter and had nothing to do with death.

So, I didn't know when I heaved a sigh out of what seemed...like relief? Maybe I was relieved. "Then why are you crying so hard?" I knew I should probably kept this question to myself. Because maybe she didn't want to talk to me. Because she hated me and would love it more if I just get the hell out of this room and left her to cry until she had no more tears running down her cheeks.

But if this was how devastated she looked when she cried? I would never leave her alone if I knew she was going to cry. It wouldn't be fair for someone to cry this terribly and then be alone. I knew what it felt like, and I wouldn't wish it upon even someone that hated me the way she did.

It wasn't like I don't hate her, too. Trust me, I do. Maybe a bit more than I hate normal people and not as much as I hated Mom, but I do hate her.

"I had a dream. And in my dream, it's all the worse things that had ever happened to me being replayed and I felt every single emotion I did all those years ago, all over again. It's too much for my heart." She was honest, she had always been honest with her feelings. But I didn't expect such honestly.

She would've simply said; I had a bad dream. And I would understand that whatever sort of dream would have her crying as badly as she did now, that's the one I even saw because I have no idea how long she had been crying-was something personal to her and she wouldn't want to discuss it with someone she hated. Maybe Jamal, but it would never be me.

"Want to talk about it?" I asked carefully. Because once, I had learnt that talking about your demons make them a bit less scary. Not that I talk about mine to anyone. I know Jamal would always be there to listen to me when I need an ear, but I just didn't want to open up.

And now, I sincerely wished that she would open up even a bit, it would make her feel better.

"I don't want to talk about any of them. Saying it out makes it look more real than I force my heart to believe it was." That nearly made me laugh. But I haven't laugh in ages and only do so recently, only with Jamal. So, I just nodded my head in understanding. 

"Was I a part of your dream, then?" I asked jokingly, but she surprised me by nodding her head and taking her eyes off me. It was as though my question reminded her of who I was in her life. Someone she hated so much because of what he did, whatever it was I did. And someone she may have to live forever before she forgave.

One thing about her, she laid her heart bare in her eyes. It was easy to depict what she was thinking and what she was feeling in her eyes. She didn't try to hide anything from anyone, so long as you cared enough to look into those eyes.

"Tell me, was I a villain in your story, too? Because whoever I met, I make sure to be one. I shouldn't not keep up to my reputation."

"It's a good thing that you know yourself enough." She said with bitterness laid at the tip of her tongue. And I knew, what I said yesterday had marked a place in her soul. Maybe it was too much that she couldn't forgive it easily.

"What will I do, then, to make it better?" I quickly shook my head. As though to force the words back into my stomach but they had already been said and there was no going back. So, I should probably go with the flow. "What will I do to make you feel better, instead?"

She stared at me longer than a minute before a small smile began to spread through the edges of her mouth. And god damn! Could someone ask how she did all this? Just a few minutes ago, I had never seen such agony in a person apart from myself and now...just the moment she smiled and her eyes sparked with mischief, I wanted to be in her shoes. She radiated so much beauty and happiness that one would openly deny her being the same person that had just cried her eyes out.

"Feed me, I'm starving." She said and I had to resist the urge to burst into a peal of laughter.

I honestly thought that she was going to say or do something that she knew I'd rather just accept being the bad guy and move on than do it. So, for once, I became the 'good guy' and pulled the nylons down on the carpet. I opened the ones containing the food and thrusted them in front of her, but she shook her head while she pushed them back to me.

"I meant that you feed me, not bring me food." Okay, that was definitely what I expected from her and she seemed so proud of herself to have thought of something like that.

"You don't mean it," I said with a head shake and she giggled before she nodded her head, excitement riffling into her soul.

"Yes, I do," She confirmed. "You've done a lot damage to do more than just feed me, but I'd settle for that for now. I still won't forgive you, though. It will just be for me to feel better, like you said."

I pushed the food back to her and shook my head. "Then there wouldn't be any use if you won't forgive me. Because if it's just to make you feel better, I'd have to do this every time you remember about what I did, right?" And knowing her for the duration I did, that would be often. Especially if she had access to this new Zafir I had no idea where he surfaced from.

She smiled and nodded her head. "But at least, it would take a year before I remember it again. Which is way more than enough. You should even be grateful I'm trying to negotiate with you on this." She pushed back the food to my direction.

"Shouldn't you be worried about your daughter now?" I tried to change the subject. Because the way she was speaking, it was either I did something worse than what I thought I did yesterday or she was the type of person that took things way deeper than they actually are.

"She's in good hands, maybe a bit better than mine." I looked away when she pushed back the food and I did the same. "And I'm starving, Zafir." Okay, for once, I'll be brutally honest.

No one, and by no one, I mean no freaking living person had ever called my name the way she did. I know we had just met three weeks ago, but this girl, lady-woman, whatever was the right way to address such a young mother-called my name as though it had taken her forever doing so. As though no one had ever been so familiar with my name like she was.

And it sounded so beautiful I nearly felt my heart dripping with the butter she pronounced it with. She had her eyes fixed on my face, as though challenging me to feel any sort of intimacy or closeness with her just because she had called my name that way. As though she wanted me to remember something.

And I did remember something. Just that it was my heart that moved with the familiarity of it and my brain couldn't form a single image. So, again, I tried to change the topic. "You should really stop acting like a baby when you've gotten one yourself. Eat before the food gets cold."

It became some sort of a game between us. We kept pushing the meal between ourselves and I honestly have no idea why I was doing this or why the hell I was enjoying this childish exchange with her.

"I told you to stop calling my daughter as baby. She has a name, Muniba, use it."

"Whatever. Just eat your food yourself, it isn't like you're handless." I said and pushed the food closer to her.

"I almost became that, and it's all thanks to you." She flashed me a cold look, as though she had remember yet, another terrible memory I was involved in and realized she shouldn't be having these lighthearted exchanges with me.

This time, she didn't push the meal back to me. She just took the spoon and began to eat. At the same time, Jamal and the nurse I could say was Anisa walked into the room; the baby in her hands and someone's eyes had never lit up with so much happiness like hers did when she spotted Jamal. I felt something in my chest. But then...she was Jamal's person, wasn't she?

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