Dream Smp saves me everyday

My life

    How does one go one day floating through life almost emotionally empty just going from task to task then the next day be strangled, breathless by emotions? I am living on eggshells with my own brain. Will today be a productive day almost like I have no soul or will I be stuck in my own brain wishing for an end? 

  I been like this for as long as I could remember. I could be feeling sexy and loving myself until I look into a mirror then reality grabs me by the throat and strangles me. I tried so many things to help cope with the internal warfare. I have cut my skin watching the beautiful, red blood drip down my body everywhere and anywhere. I shower with water on super hot to burn my skin until the pain inside is now outside. I skip meals when I disappoint people so I can feel the pain of a hungry belly begging for food. I am always a disappointment to everyone no matter how much I try not to be. I am running out of ideas to punish myself for being worthless. I lost the pleasure of cutting myself since having my second kid was born. I am a mother to two daughters but a shit mother. I try but always fail. I am in a marriage that feels more like roommates that fuck a few times. 

   How did I get here? Well being dumb and a people pleaser was my ultimate downfall. It wasn't always bad! I met my husband and he seemed so perfect. He listened to me, he never once told me I was too fat to be seen in public with me, he acted like her cared. He complimented me, held me, he listened to me and showed I was a person. He was a million times better than my ex and my parents. Two months into knowing my husband and dating I let him talk me into having a baby sith him. I was 18 years old and he said it be perfect. He said we would be together forever. Panic spread through me at first there is no way we would be together forever. I was worth all the attention he gave and it was too perfect. He just kept telling me how perfect it be to have his baby. I always wanted to be a mother so after weeks of thinking and battling my head I agreed. Somewhere after having the baby girl at 19 years old I did something wrong and lost his love. He stopped holding me, passionately kissing me, complimenting me. Somewhere I messed up again by being me. It slowly got worse and by year 7 together we married, had a second kid because i felt like I had to. It was what everyone was expecting me to do. I was never going to find better than this. Now we are halfway through year 10 and we fuck when he wants which is maybe 3 times a month if I am luck or 1 times a month.

   Sex was a coping mechanism for the soulless days. It was the one good feeling I could have for a little while the rest of the day I be empty shell. The sex use to be thrilling and full of pleasure for both. Now it's me giving my all sucking his dick until he wants to just ram it into my dry pussy. The only way for me to get my climax I had to learn to rub my clit as he rams into me otherwise I get nothing. I soon turned to smut books to learn different ways to please him thinking he would want me again. Instead the smut books have just turned me on, making my pussy wet for easier sex with him. Smut books turned to a way to release stress and chase that high by masterbating to them. Kinks have made an appearance now. The things I have learning about myself on kinks it amazing and enlightening but heartbreaking at the same time. I will never have someone to be a brat to, I will never have a sir or daddy, I will never have some degrade me while choking me then turn around and show praise and affection after sex. I am not worth it. 

   I may be too old to admit this but the Dream Smp has helped me get through my days. I could be attempting 5 tasks at once emotionally empty but once I see Foolish, Punz, Sapnap, Dream, or Awesamdude go live I feel excited and happy. I get a flutter to my heart as if my heart finally is beating again. The boys are hilarious, caring, accepting and just overall amazing. Their voices are calming to me. I watch their live streams or catch up on vods if I miss. I have them on Twitter and Instagram. It sounds totally creepy now thay I write it out. I am not trying to be weird. I just want to be seen, and heard again. I know I will never been seen by them or even talk to them. Once can dream right? 

   I have this fantasy that I would post on Twitter, Instagram or even in their chats and something catches one of their eyes. Something makes them reach out and just be friends. I just want to matter to someone, cared about, listened to or just feel again. I am not even expecting sex or a relationship just a friend to talk to. A friend that won't judge me for my marriage, the 8 years it took to obtain an associates degree, my weight gain after multiple years on many different antidepressants due to suicide attempts, or my skin condition. I want to find myself and love myself with friends. You may me asking why don't you talk to real life friends? Well somehow over 10 years I have listened to my husband and isolated myself from friends and family only having him. Just to have everything thrown in my face again. I don't dare tell the truth about the way I get yelled at by my husband, I get told I don't do enough, I don't deserve a break or anything. The amount of times he has made me mad and when I told him why he just turns it back on me resulting in me feeling like I am in the wrong and crazy. I want to be saved. I am tired of living but can't die by my own hands because of my kids. I just throw myself into Dream smp holding my breath that someone like them can save me and make me not feel so suffocated and broken.