Luna? Wait.. alpha?

In my head

          The thick brown fur of my tail tousles in the breeze, sending the fur along my spine to prickle as I crouch in the underbrush, eyes locked onto my prey. The doe is blissfully unaware of my presence, grazing peacefully on the thick grass in the evening light. Step, graze, step, graze. One more. Come closer, sweet unsuspecting meat. One more. The grass flattens with the doe's step, leaning her head down to inspect the grass, choosing which strands to consume.

          My haunches bunch, ready for launching, and my lip pulls up in a snarl. The doe looks up once, scans around the meadow and decides it was nothing, then goes back to inspecting grass strands. I position myself, feeling the dirt grains under each of my paw pads, inhaling slowly,

LAUNCH

          Almost in slow motion, the doe looks up startled at my snarling, but she doesn't get far before my sailing body is right over her. My teeth sink into the back of her neck as my claws dig themselves into the soft flesh of her shoulders and tear through them, causing the doe to misstep and do a summer-salt. I sink my teeth and claws in farther, trying to stay attached to the doe as we tumble along the ground, and I can feel the muscles relax as the life of the doe is released. The doe, lifeless, lays on top of my massive figure like a too-small blanket.

          Pleased with my work, I slide the corpse off of me and roll onto my stomach. Blood lines my mouth and paws, and there's a trail of the red substance leading four or five feet away from where the doe was grazing less than 30 seconds ago. I shake my fur of leaves and grass, and grab the corpse by the neck and carry(more like half-drag) it back towards the small pack, who is patiently waiting.

          As I drag the deer I notice my own strength. Jace could carry the deer with ease, with all his muscles and strong jaw. I struggle to carry it at all, and that's even with half dragging it across the meadow. Tears line my vision for a split second before I blink them away. I'm the best hunter out of my pack, but I'm not the strongest. I'm smaller and have better killing tactics than the others, and I may have a bit more brains, but the others have me beat when it comes to physical strength. Even shifted, my tan skin doesn't define my muscles as much as it does Jace's and Izzy's, Caitlyn's too. 

          "Come on slow poke- you've got enough Venice for all of us." Izzy playfully encourages me along, which makes me smile internally. She's always been encouraging and keeping the pack from falling to chaos, and she's got physical beauty too. I'm surprised she hasn't found her mate yet, being as beautiful as she is and travelling as much as we have. 

          I pull the carcass to the others, and they thank me as they start tearing the meat off of the bones and skin. My stomach is in knots, so I excuse myself and lay down beside a decaying log partially hidden in the tall grass. I feel the warmth of the sun along my back, and I take in the sights around me. The torsos of my small pack to my left, tall grass surrounding me, birds chirping in the trees to my right, and the scents of fresh meat, torn grass, dirt, and faint trails from animals who passed through the meadow. 

          "Hey, Vi," My ears and head swivel to my left, where Caitlyn is walking towards me.

          "Hey, what's up?" I ask, though I know she's going to ask why I'm not eating.

          "How come-"

          "I'm not hungry" I cut her off. I turn my head to face forward once more, my ears slightly pinned back.

          "I wasn't going to ask that. I was going to ask; How come you never eat with us anymore? It feels like you're trying to ignore us." Caitlyn sits beside me, her tawny fur slightly brushing against mine. Fighting my feelings and tears back, I lean against her flank slightly.

          "I'm not trying to ignore you guys, I promise. I just.. haven't felt like eating around people. I know you're part of my pack, and I love you guys dearly, I just don't feel like eating." I lay my head on my front paws, tears springing to my eyes once more. How can I eat around them when I don't even feel like my body is my own? I don't feel like me... but I can't tell them that. I put on a smile to hide the tears, or as much of a smile as my wolf mouth can contort to. 

          Caitlyn places a paw next to my nose, "You need to eat sometime, love. You're thin enough as it is," I sigh in defeat, knowing she's right. I gather my legs under me, involuntarily feelings how thin and agile they are, much like a girls', I hate it. I shake myself from the thought and walk over to the mostly-eaten carcass, Jace and Izzy move to the other side and give me room, since it's the first time I've eaten with them in a few months. 

          I lower my beautifully furred head to the doe and pull a piece off of the hind-quarters, forcing it down my throat. My throat tries to close and my stomach wants to repulse, but I don't let either of the actions release. Once the food is safely in my stomach, I walk back over to Caitlyn and sit beside her.

          "Thank you," She says, and all I can do is nod. I feel so in my head and not myself, but I don't say anything. The others nudge me to get up and we start walking back towards society, but I let them go in front of me so they can't see me feeling insecure about my body, even though it is fully furred and covered.

          I wish I was anyone else but me.

Word count: 1023 words
Written: June 3rd, 2022
Revised: September 19th, 2022