The Journey of Finding Myself

Chapter one

Hi, I'm alec aka the author of this (obviously. and i thought id just tell you a little about it. Its based off my life and events i can't remember exactly how it happened but it's based off true events off my life and the highs and lows. I won't use anyones real name to keep it anonymous

hope you enjoy reading :))

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I zoned out again looking at my wall texture like i so often do when his voice called out "Ava?" and stole my attention towards the screen. I snapped back into reality and realized i'd been completely ignoring him while he was telling me about his day. How rude of me. I responded back in a low slightly confused tone "yes?" trying to make him think i'd been listening. Suprise, it didn't work. "did you even hear what i said?" the second he said those words in an annoyed pissed off tone my heart dropped and i got this feeling in my chest that i hadn't felt before. i replied "i- uhm no i'm sorry i zoned out" stumbling over my words. i looked down at my mattress and started picking at something when he said "it's fine" i couldnt see this face but i could feel his eyes roll and his annoyed look on his faace. He had that look a lot, it was intimidating. I apologized again and he retold his story once more. I tried to listen but ended up noticing somthing in the background in his room ad wondered what it was letting out a "mhm" and "okay" once in a while. Then he said her name, the name i've been avoiding, the name that would ruin everything by just coming out of his mouth. "so something happened today with Nora" But then again we were just best friends i had no right to feel this way about him. i replied "what happened?" attempting to sound concerned and not excited and hopeful that they'd broken up. it worked because he said "well today at school uhm i snuck out of school and went behind this building to meet with Hazel" i got suprised by hearing that name but also genuinely worried because Nora's best friend isn't exactly a calm and mature person who's got their shit together. he the proceeded to say "uhm we then uhm kind of just talked about Nora and some school shit and then she uhm she kissed me and i might've kissed her back and we made out ad then the bell rung ruining it" in a almost ashamed voice? Not like him to be ashamed of hooking up with girls. Maybe he actually feels bad about cheating? "why would you do that? that's your girlfriends best friend what were you thinking?" i realized how pissed i sounded. He replied while going red in his face "i- i really don't know it just sorta happened you're not going to text her are you?" i would be lying if i say i didn't consider it but then if i did he would know i said it and it would ruin every chance of getting with him and our already okay friendship. "no don't worry just don't do it again dumbass" ah yes, 'dumbass' our little nickname for each other and you might say that a lot of people call each other that but it was our way of reassuring each other that everything was okay between us. That stupid f*cking word. 

We started talking more every day sometimes in the weekend we'd talk up to 9 hours every day it was great well except for one thing. i wanted him more than he wanted me all out late night talks were to him was just two friends up at shit in the morning but to me they were so much more. I would live in a rosy fantasy with just us in it alone at night laying in each of our beds staring at our phones in the dark 279 miles apart. it was perfect. Then he said her name oe morning telling me that they were going to hang out that day. great my monday was ruined. My rosy fantasy world with just us was shattered to little pieces and stomped on as he said the words "I'm really excited i missed her a lot recently" my mind went spinning as he said that. Like 'was he not having a good time with me?' and 'has he been thinking about stupid Nora this whole time?'. it's stupid how obsessed i was with him and 'Nora nobody', after all he was 279 miles away and i was only 13. Yes this was definetly too soon i should stop feeling like this. F*ck he's on my mind constantly like a virus swallowing all my other thoughts and focing me to only think about him and the words he told me those late night

*********in Ava's mind*************

 I was obsessed i wanted to stop. I should stop. Now. Okay Ava c'mon stop thinking about him and get dressed you stupid piece of shit. Yes okay clothes. No don't wear those jeans ur thighs look too big in those people will stare. Hmm what about these? No that doesn't work either take them off now this instant Ava. You know what? i'm just gonna put on my sweats and hoodie. F*ck its 25 degress outside. Don't wear that now you gotta put on shorts. pick out something that looks good but not too slutty. Youre not a slut are you? no im not. okay yes maybe those would work put them on Ava.  look at your thighs. are you seriously gonna go to school looking like that? your thighs are huge! hm i have to put these on they're all i got. You should exercise you fat piece of shit. This is why he doesn't want you. ur. too. fat. you stupid piece of f*cking shit. go to school at least youre okay smart. you might not be pretty but at least you can do math.