The Darkness Inside Me|InuOkko

Chapter 2

If there was one thing Yuuta hated more than himself, it was talking about where his self-hatred came from and feelings. Toge looked at him with softened eyes of comfort and it made him want to burst out into tears. He refrained from crying, after all, he would only bring more self-hatred to the surface by doing so. People wanted to help him, wanted to care about him, even though they knew that he was a terrible person who cursed Rika Orimoto. Toge wanted to help him, wanted to talk him through this, so Yuuta had to let him. He refused to be 9a black abyss of taking anymore.

Yuuta didn't speak for several, agonizing moments; the tension of the air felt awfully suffocating. It felt like a beast eating him up from the inside out and he hated it with a burning passion. Toge, who Yuuta swore was too kind for his own good, just gently held onto the taller's arm and rubbed soft circles onto it.

"What do you want to know?" Yuuta was secretly glad that his voice didn't reveal the shakiness that he felt all over his scarred body.

' How long have you been having these feelings of not being good enough? ' The signs were fluid and rather simple, since Yuuta was still learning to sign. (He had a really good grasp on it, his memory just went out the window sometimes.)

Yuuta actually had to pause to think about the question. He knew that they had started not too long after Rika's death, but he questioned whether he had them even before then. A small hum filled up the otherwise silent space while Yuuta thought back. Was it the first time Rika had attacked someone? That did strike quite a blow at his mental health, but it still didn't feel like the right answer.

"Probably moments after Rika's accident. I just kept thinking about how I should have been the one to get hit and not her..." The memories of Rika's accident had always hurt Yuuta more than anyone else. He had been closer to her than anyone else in her life, even her own grandmother wasn't as close to Rika as Yuuta was. Rika's past was always a sensitive topic for her, so Yuuta had never pressured her into saying more than she wanted to.

A sudden tug of his sleeve brought Yuuta back to the present. Toge brought his small hand up and gently wiped away something wet from Yuuta's cheek. The realization that he had been crying dawned on him like a brick to the stomach. Words formed on the tip of his tongue but nothing came out when he opened his mouth. Toge, as compassionate as ever, sat in Yuuta's lap and wrapped his arms around him. He wasn't getting pressured into saying anything more; Toge wasn't asking any questions, so Yuuta eagerly, yet hesitantly returned the embrace. A warm feeling rushed into him almost as if it was trying to push his self-hatred out of him.

Time seemed to stop when Toge was in his arms. Instead of feeling like a broken, incomplete, worthless shell Yuuta felt warm, useful, full of worth, and overjoyed. All of his doubts and self-hatred seemed to evaporate into thin air while Toge was in his arms. Yuuta looked over at the clock on his nightstand. It was just past midnight and Toge was still here with him. He picked up Toge and set him on the bed before walking over to his dresser to pick out some pajamas for Toge. Two arms wrapped around him pulling him away from the dresser, causing him to yelp in surprise. Toge grabbed one of Yuuta's t-shirts and walked over to the bathroom leaving the taller boy in shock.

Yuuta changed into his pajamas in his own bedroom and finished putting his shirt on right as his bathroom door opened. He turned around and the view he had caused his entire face to heat up. Toge's normally messy, spiky hair was neatly framing his face, bringing out his violet eyes. The smaller male was in the oversized shirt, well oversized on him, that he had taken from Yuuta and a pair of shorts. Toge took a few steps towards Yuuta and wrapped his arms around him in another embrace. They stayed like that for what felt like centuries and Yuuta felt calmer than he had ever before in his life. The tension and pain felt lifted off of his shoulders. The overwhelming self-hatred and constant self-blame seemed to disappear from his mind, if only temporary.