thoughts left unsaid

thaimej one

Our class just ended. Our adviser asked us to stay in the room for a bit because she will be handing out our class cards. My hands were cold and slightly shaking, I was always like this. I got used with my hands trembling but I could never get use to act normal in times like this. 

I was always an achiever ever since I was a kid. Always wins, always the number one. Stands out, and the other kids look up to. 

Of course, that stopped when I entered third grade. Everyone was so smart and ambitious, I felt like we're all the same. Equally talented and smart. We have the same objectives, to be at the top.

Everyone told me I was so smart back then, that I was so talented, that I can do anything. But, why do I feel so little and dumb when I am with them?

Suddenly, all the good things I think about myself vanished. I felt so ordinary, nothing to admire, nothing to look up to, nothing at all.

That thought continued to linger and grow inside my mind like wild flames trying to destroy me. It became my insecurity. My voice suddenly sounded unpleasant to my ears, I started hating the way I look, and self doubts about my capabilities began feasting in my tiny mind. I have never thought that keeping up with everyone's expectations could  become so difficult to attain.

I remembered how much I cried that one night...

"Pa, I got my card." I placed the card I was holding on the table.

My father, who was always on his phone or his laptop looked at me then smiled. His hands reached for my card to see my grades. I saw how his smile faded the moment he looked at it. I knew it, I failed him. Again.

"You only got 89 on science, you were awarded the best in science last school year, Roe. What do you mean by this? Are you not studying? Or do you sneak out of the house to play?"

"Pa, I don't go out without your permission."

"Then why? Why did you fail?"

"I don't know.."

"You can do better than this, Roe. Why don't you focus on your studies? Try doing your best."

I am already at my best. They were just way better than me. I can't compete.

"You used to be so smart, what happened to you?"

I got so exhausted. I was always studying, day and night, I did not even have time to play. No one even noticed how numb my hands were after solving advanced equations; or how deep my eye bags were for studying all night. I was just a kid.

On my sixth grade, I was the class salutatorian. I was happy, but is my father happy? I guess not. He did not even come with me on the stage, and told my yaya to go with me instead. My heart ached. Was it not yet enough? Should I try harder? But where did I go wrong?

"Makinig ka kasi sa papa mo, Roe. Para din sa'yo ito kaya masyadong strict ang papa mo, ayaw niyang maghirap ka kapag mag-isa ka nalang. Kaya galingan mo pa!" Yaya told me. Maybe she's right, I should study harder because my father told me so. He only does not want me to suffer. Yes.

I was looking down on my feet when I saw a hand holding a card, it was my adviser. I looked up to her and saw her smiling.

Why is she smiling? Did I get good grades? 

"Congratulations, Roe. You did great."