A/N: Play the song in the video while reading this chapter.
Sitting in her first MA lecture made Loren remember how much she missed school. Perhaps it's her age and experience talking, but being a full-time student after decades of 12-hour working days proved to be a refreshing change of pace for her.
Most of the time, Loren can just focus on listening to every lecture while taking meticulous notes and absorbing everything the program has to offer.
Some of the debates she and her fellow students engaged in occasionally felt like plenary debates in the Senate, except there's no pressure to finish a bill within a certain timeframe and no stress from navigating Senate politics.
During most days, Loren's routine revolved around teaching assistant duties in the morning, classes in the afternoon, and gathering study material for her dissertation work in the evenings. Still a pretty packed schedule for most people, but for Loren's standards, this is a light day.
And light days mean more time spent in her flat all by herself thinking about things she's been stuffing at the back of her brain closet.
Most of the time, it's future plans like going back to the Philippines and embarking on an art-related career like curation or content creation. Plans full of brimming hope and optimism about the future ahead.
Occasionally, though, it's about the decisions she's made in the past and how they led to the point she's at now.
"What if nag-retire na lang ako after my third Senate term in 2019? What if I ran independent noong 2022 instead of running in that damn Senate slate? Would I still have a relationship with Lanz if I did?"
"What if I didn't chicken out at inamin ko kay Pia na gusto ko siya maging girlfriend kaysa sirain ko career ko? Eh di sana masaya na kami."
"What if I lived my life for myself instead of other people for fucking once? You should've grown a damn backbone for once, Loren!"
It's these moments of rumination that end up taking turns Loren didn't want any part of. On a good day, it ends up with her crying herself to sleep. On a bad one, it's tossing and turning until the wee hours of the morning.
Tonight's shaping to be one of those nights.
After an hour of fruitless attempts to get herself to bed, Loren bolted up and headed back to the main room to distract herself. Most days, she prefers a quiet house, but she needed something to drown out the noise in her head tonight. "Alexa, play me a song by The Carpenters."
A few seconds after, "I Need to Be In Love" started playing from the smart speaker. Suddenly, Loren regrets letting Alexa pick the song for her.
She then opened that safe again and took out the journal sitting on top of the pink box and dumped the stream of consciousness playing in her mind.
~~~
Hi P,
Another day that ends in the letter Y of me trying (and failing) to sleep tonight.
You know I usually take pride in working 12-hours days every day, but this new normal as Student Reg made me discover why I did, and I didn't like what I found. Whatever the circumstance, I sure didn't sign up for another night of me wide awake at 4 am thinking of what could've been had I done things differently over the years, all because I actually have free time.
The worst part is I have to sit through each and every thought that comes into my head and try to sift through the noise. At least noong Senador ako hindi ko kailangan isipin kasi ang daming trabaho, no?
Sana 2013 pa lang, umamin nako, eh di sana happy na tayong dalawa. Or at least kung saan man tayo, we're going to be together.
Tapos "I Need to Be In Love" pa pinatugtog ni Alexa sa flat? Anak ng tipaklong naman!
Gabi-gabi na lang ba ganito? Maybe you're right - I should try seeing a therapist like you and Risa keep suggesting because I don't think I can't take any more of this.
Sleepless in London,
Reg
~~~
While Karen Carpenter's distinct mezzo-soprano voice crooned in the background, tears rolled down Loren's face as she ripped the page and stashed it in the pink box along with the other letters she wrote this year.
After slamming the safe shut, Loren dragged herself to bed and cried herself to sleep, hoping desperately that the next sunrise will bring some good news.
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Watching Sunrises
RomanceIn the first of a series of spin-offs to Talk First, Think Later, Pia and Loren, whose relationship status still remains in limbo, find themselves on two different paths after the Great Senate Feud of 2025. On one path, there's Pia, thrust into the...
