Captain's Will

20. Spare Moments

The night before they would reach the volcanic island to hire a bunch of sailors and stock up to advance into battle, Hongjoong called for a night of rest at sea. He had been nervous all day, unable to eat with the way his stomach coiled in worry. The motivation of his crew scared him. They sang merry songs about death or honour and none of them showed a second of reluctance. As if he were a child again on Eden's ship, Hongjoong wanted to trail after them with his lost eyes, wanted them to explain to him what was going on, for he couldn't understand the shared sentiment.

He feared leading them into the end they all expected.

In his distress, he distanced himself. For hours, he hovered over his logbook, brooding over plans and techniques that would allow maximum safety for his crew. Perhaps this time, they could keep their distance and only fire at the fiend. Perhaps this time, he could send out a decoy. Perhaps this time...

Hongjoong buried his head in his hands.

What if this time was exactly like last time? What if they lost someone again? What if him missing out on the call to ditch the mission meant everyone's cruel deaths?

Hongjoong wasn't ready. He wanted to drag them all far away from the horrendous waters they steered right into. Wanted to know them safe on an island beyond the horizon, where they would spend their days drinking and laughing. What else did they need? Pirates could rob other pirates or merchants. They could pick a fight with the navy and battle Seonghwa's snotty mates. They could search for treasure and travel the world. No kraken had to be involved.

Yet the only thing Hongjoong's crew thrived to do was to kill the kraken. They encouraged each other on with their battle cries and belted poems about the most terrifying enemy and how they would besiege it.

How could Hongjoong lead them into success if he didn't believe in it? How could he allow his mates to risk their lives as if the parrot above their heads didn't serve as a constant reminder?

Hongjoong rarely cried, but this night he felt like doing it. He was overwhelmed with his responsibility. He was at fault. His conviction to kill the kraken back then had led them here. To a crew ready to avenge their lost mate and rapacious for blood. They would get what they wanted. And as if they wanted to mock him, Hongjoong became their figurehead who needed to watch it all crumble from the front position. He couldn't bear the pain when he imagined his friends, his family, falling around him.

With burning eyes, Hongjoong held his throbbing head. No one was there to listen to him. They were all out to slaughter the beast, and the proximity to it fuelled their contempt. Hongjoong almost felt as if their ire would turn on him if he refused to bring them the rest of the way.

Perhaps he was the weak link. Perhaps he should be out there with them, cheering for the fight of their lives. Pirates didn't live to persist. They lived to die, every day. Nothing was more honourable to them than falling in a grandiose battle at sea.

Had Hongjoong lost his spark as a pirate? Had the last two years made him fragile to the dangers they faced daily?

The noise of a door opening had Hongjoong lift his head. From bleary eyes, he looked at the intruder, ready to tell them he was just tired, that they should return to the celebration. Several of his mates searched for him already.

However, instead of a crew member, Cabezon stood in the familiar wooden frame. After days of sticking to the Dungeness like his newborn, the commodore showed his face again on the Grief.

Another person Hongjoong might kill. Another thought that made him gag at how much he wanted to throw up because of it.

He was so, so scared.