Get out of my fucking Life

Insecure

I don't know what to do I'm going through something but I don't know what it is. When I'm home I feel even more drained that I already am. I feel tired, angry, sad, disappointed in myself, I feel like everyone is suddenly getting out of my life and it's even more depressing to see your loved ones to leave or disrespect you. I had to break up with her because I didn't want her to break up with me cuz I'm always distant, but at the time I wasn't thinking about her feelings, all I cared about was myself and that's kind of what I tried telling her but I guess it didn't come out the way I wanted it to. With all that she said that she wants to be completely out of my life and I'm okay with that cuz I've tried to wait it out, but I guess that didn't work out she blocked me that night, it kind of hurt but I knew that it was the right thing to do cuz I'm mentally unstable with myself, I am insecure with myself. I hate my body, I hate my eyes, I hate my hair, hate my hands hate my arms, hate my thighs, hate my stomach, hate my heart, I am disappointed in my body and how it was made, I wish I was pretty I wish I had normal hands. I always say when I get older I'm getting surgery on my arms, on my thighs. People argue and argue over me being heavy. Like I don't want to hear that word anymore. I've heard it at doctor's offices, my grandparents, ex-friends, family members, and my mother's friends. That's why I'm so self-conscious about my body, people have been putting me down for years, and I'm fucking tired of it. I thought because of our breakup that I wasn't going to go with someone to the dance anymore since she wanted to be way out of my life so probably 2 weeks before my best friend came in and said that she wanted to go with me so I obviously said yes and we did this thing to where we could make my ex jealous (which it worked), me and my best friend went around saying that she's my wife and we were holding hands all the time in Halls between classes and so on, when I broke up with her it was for the reason that I was in a bad mental state and that I needed to help myself get back into the right State of mind for school so I can get my grades up but clearly she didn't like that, I posted something about going to Hot topic and saw this really cute girl there 🏳️‍🌈, and we were broken up but she took it way out of hand, I also broke up with her because she was really mean to my family, yeah they're ignorant, disrespectful pieces of shit, they're still my family. Except my "Off cousin" Gianna. Gianna is a total B to the I to the T to the C to the H. I feel this way towards my cousin because I don't like when she comes over, cuz she feels the need to break everything and not only that, she will literally be on the phone talking shit about me to her best friend right in front of me. Like you're in my fucking house and you're talking shit about me and my family.