I'm a master of emotional self-control. I keep them in a cage so that they won't hurt the people I care about. I don't want to spout words that are the result of pent-up emotions, because there are only two possible outcomes. The choice is between regretting what I said or being relieved to finally be rid of the aches and pains I've felt for so long.
That conversation, on the other hand, loosened the lid I'm attempting to keep shut.
l
"Ano? porque na andito ako sa bilanguan na 'to ganyan na gagawin nyong trato sa kaniya? Hindi nyo na sya rerespetuhin? Pag katapos ng mga ginawa nya para sa inyo ni hindi man lang kayo marunong tumanaw ng utang na loob?"
When did this all begin again?
Ohh when his 3rd-- no 4th girl? Oh, whatever I lost count already since some of them were when I was still kinder.
When my sister and I went to visit my grandmother's house, where my father used to live, things took a turn for the worse.
We run some errands and decided to stop by my grandparent's house. But we didn't notice the time since we are busy playing an online game with my cousin.
When it's dinner time, my stepmother heads down to the kitchen to retrieve the food she'll deliver to my father.
Her absence lasted for at least two to three hours. My grandmother suggested that since it was almost 9 p.m. and we had to go immediately due to the time, we eat downstairs with them so that we could leave as soon as we were done eating.
Just when we are preparing to eat the stepmother came back and ask us if her son upstairs cooked rice already and in my mind I was like... "uhh, no? since we don't plan to eat dinner here earlier."
I rarely go upstairs starting when my father went to jail especially when there's no one in there I always tear up because I miss his presence in the house.
My stepmother came down and showed us she was video calling my father in the middle of our meal, so I enthusiastically waved at him and went on to scoop the second batch of rice I had taken.
But what he says kills my mood.
"Bakit dyaan kayo nakain? wala ba tayong bahay sa taas?"
As I continued to eat, my face went completely blank.
My aunt step up and explain the reason why we ate in my grandma.
"Nag mamadali kasi kami dahil uuwi pa kami sa kabila kaya dito na pinakain nina Inay at Itay para diretso lakad na kami pag katapos kumain."
My father rebutted my aunt's explanation, and I found his tone and what he said a little off-putting.
"Eh, bakit sabi ni Analisa hindi na daw nakain sa itaas yang mga yan? si nene sa baba daw naliligo at kumakain. Ano ba ang nang yayari at nawala lang ako diyan ganiyan na kayo? May nang aaragrabyado na nga diyan dadagdag pa kayo."
Let me take it back I don't like even one word that he said. I feel bad for my grandparents. They cooked for us, they took care of us... us, his daughter. How could he say that and not mind what my grandparents, his parents, will feel? Not minding what we, his daughter, would feel.
My older sister, who was sitting next to us during dinner, was the first to speak up.
"Paano kami nang agrabyado? Bakit sampid lang ba kami dito sa pamilyang 'to?" She drop her utensils and face the cellphone where my father is on the screen. "Bakit hindi ba nila kami apo? Hindi ba nila kami kadugo para maging nang aaragrabyado kami?"
I took a deep sigh, nudge my sister, give her a sharp glare and told her to stop already and his boyfriend saw that.
Although she's several years older than me, she's conversing with our father. She should still treat him with respect when she converses with him. Even my aunt, grandma, and my other sister shush her.
They continue to argue in this manner, cutting one other off while they are still speaking. There is basically no conversation going on they just said what they want and regret later.
It ended with my auntie taking the phone with here and talk with my father alone calmly explaining what really happened.
Now, I am here in front of the cell, in front of him who just blurted those words in my face.
My eyes are starting to sting, but I'm able to hold myself back. I know once I entertain the thought of crying, I will break down and sob uncontrollably and wouldn't be able to talk again.I look straight into his eyes, straight into my father's eyes.
I took a long breath and stated, "I'll repeat what you just said and think about it again.
"Ano? porque na andito ako sa bilanguan na 'to ganyan na gagawin nyong trato sa kaniya? Hindi nyo na sya rerespetuhin? Pag katapos ng mga ginawa nya para sa inyo ni hindi man lang kayo marunong tumanaw ng utang na loob?" I repeated emphasizing each and every word he said.
"What do you think of what we are doing now? Did we treat her wrongfully? Do you think we're doing what we did and will do because we accept what happened in our family?" My voice is shaking but I took a lot of deep breaths to calm down and not break down.
"Do you think we talk to her because we accept and have already forgotten what you two did? We talk to her because we respect you. We laugh with her because you are our father, We respect her because we respect you. Oh, and don't start me with 'utang na loob', Pa. First of all, did we ask for it? No, we did not. It was her free will to do so. Honestly, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have accepted any of them."
"Yes, perhaps we've already come to terms with the fact that you and my mother will never be reunited after all these years apart. But are you sure we didn't remember?" I repeated my question to him without a break in our gaze. His eyes have turned red and he's already crying.
"No, it's still here," I say. "It's here," I said, sternly pointing my finger to the head. "We just kept it in the back of our heads."
"Remember when you and my mother fought when I was in second grade? Mama snatched my clothing from the drawer and forced me to choose between you two. That 8 or 9 years old me was crying since she don't know what to do. It is still here and will always be right here" I continue while pointing my heart.
"We never forget and we will never forget it, ever, even when we die."
"You should be thankful that you raised us like this. Respect who's older than us. Not to talk back, but I did it for the first time and will probably the last time because I don't like to see you hurting and I don't like the feeling of talking back to you, I hate it. If we are like some of them who are also in a situation like us then you might end up having no children at all. I am not saying all these things because I am mad at you or hate you. I said these because I love you and I want you to know that these are what I have been bottling up since I don't remember when."
"I respect you and your relationship with her because she is together with you, my father."
Tears streamed down my face as soon as I turned my back on him. When the lid fell down, I suppose the latter occurred.
BinibiningPipino
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Fault Line
General Fiction'It's fine, it's just a small crack,' people often say. This is not simply a crack; it has already been through a great deal of tribulation and struggle before it finally gives way. That's not "just a crack," it's a crack that will open and collapse...
