El's Emporium ~ Carlisle Cullen

4

After their initial conversation, Carlisle led El on a small tour of the home. They talked about his family, which led to the conversation by which El discovered that werewolves also existed. She learned of the Volturi and what they would insist be done to her if they discovered the depth of her knowledge, and he told her how he and his family had stood against them to protect his adoptive grandchild.

Of everything she learned, she had to admit that the most shocking thing was the fact that Carlisle had an adult granddaughter.

They spoke a great deal about his family, and about the things some of them could do. He seemed to love them very much, and so she hoped she was not prying when she asked, "Carlisle, why isn't the rest of your family here with you? Why did you decide to come here on your own?"

They had settled down on the couch in the small living room. Both of them sat sideways, facing each other, mutually enjoying the company. It was rare for both of them. 

Carlisle had lit the fireplace to provide a dim, gentle light source and a bit of warmth for his guest. He did seem to relax around her now, lowering his human façade a bit. He'd even made her some tea.

"I'm afraid it might sound silly," he admitted.

"Sillier than anything else I've heard today?" She asked incredulously.

He had to laugh at that, "Perhaps. Perhaps not."

She took a sip of her tea, waiting for him to continue.

"After I was changed, a story I'm sure you'll hear eventually, I spent a couple of centuries without company. I would come across others, but none of them shared my perspective on human life. I was rather alone for a very long time," he spoke quietly, and El listened intently, leaning forward, "It wasn't until I found my son, Edward, dying of influenza that I had company. Then Esme, my dearest friend. I had honestly hoped to find more than companionship with her, but neither of our feelings ever grew beyond close kinship. We pose as husband and wife, or as brother and sister, whatever works best at any given time. Esme and I were the only members of our coven who had not found someone to share our long existence with until a few years ago when Esme met a wandering vampire called Henry."

El raised a brow, "Did you get jealous?"

"In a way. Not of Henry...I quite like him. We see things much the same, and he found this way of life on his own before ever crossing our path," he explained, "but I found myself once again rather alone. My family all had little families of their own. Even my granddaughter is in a loving relationship."

El felt like she was beginning to understand, and tried to place herself in his position, "What made you decide to leave?"

He studied her eyes, again searching for anything that may indicate that he was saying too much.

"I was...and still am...very happy that they've all found a partner in this life. For a time I was content," he began carefully, "but then quite suddenly I realized that I was not. I selfishly wondered why, when I had done so much for each of them, I could not find such happiness for myself. I grew easily frustrated, sad, even a bit depressed."

"Lonely," El finished for him.

He nodded lightly in confirmation, "Loneliness when you're truly alone is bad enough, but it hurts more when you're lonely and surrounded by loved ones. As soon as the thought entered my mind to seek distance from them for a time, Edward was trying to convince me to stay. Alice on the other hand saw that the decision was already made, and something about what she saw caused Edward to stop arguing against it. Of course, they wouldn't tell me what it was."

"I can't imagine what you went through," he heard her whisper, "having almost no one for 200 years. But being lonely when you feel like you shouldn't be is something I can honestly say I understand."

Carlisle leaned forward then, urging her to go on.

She let out an empty, breathy laugh at the gesture, "I'm happy with my life for the most part. I've tried to give it meaning. I do what I love, and I use what I love to help other people. I've met wonderful friends and acquaintances through the Emporium...but I started it alone. I didn't have my parents' support, and the people in my life now came long after the Emporium was up and running. I care for them and they care for me, but, to most of the folks at Gentle Hills, I'm a teacher they see once a week. To my employees, I'm the woman who signs their checks." 

She took a moment to gauge his reaction, though his face didn't give anything away, "I'm surrounded by people...but I feel like none of them really see me."

"I feel somewhat the same," he admitted, "I meet a certain expectation that my family has for me...the leader, the father...but sometimes I wonder, even after as many years as I've known them, if they truly know me. Then again I'm unsure of how well I know myself at the moment."

El pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear and set her now-empty teacup on the coffee table, "Do you feel as though you've spent so long living for others that you don't know how to live for yourself?"

Carlisle paused, taken slightly aback, "What a very perceptive question from someone so young."

"You're one to talk," El laughed, "What are you, 23? 24? Something like that?"

Carlisle had to grin at the jab, "Something like that."

They continued talking long into the night, changing to lighter subjects like hobbies and interests, even circling back around to which plants would go well in his terrarium, and Carlisle found himself honestly dreading the moment she decided to leave. El had done a wonderful job filling up the quiet, and he sincerely found her interesting.

He didn't mind it when she fell asleep against the arm of the couch and sat for a while listening to the even sound of her breathing.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice was cautioning him, reminding him of how dangerous it was to get attached. He wouldn't be living here for more than a few years and he couldn't expect that she would want to keep in touch.

Then again, he could not stop the tiniest, vaguest thought from entering his mind and wondering if...perhaps...his friendship with El could become something more.

He shook his head. It was likely that that kind of companionship wasn't meant for him. He'd all but given up on finding it at this point anyway. He could enjoy her friendship without entertaining the idea of turning it into something else.

And then, when the time came, he could let her go.