TW// Parental Neglect, "The Big Sad™"
Of all of the ways to start sophomore year, meeting someone who gave me intense gender envy was pretty low on the expectability meter. Even better yet, they sat right next to me! Of course someone like Nova would just fall into my lap like that. It was some kind of mix between intense excitement---after all, i got to add to my "collection" of queers at River Heights---and fear for what'll happen to them. People like Markus are ruthless, and I know it firsthand.
Every once in a while, I think back to last year, and what Markus did to me. To us. All six of us were made targets because of him. We're still trying to live that down to this day. It was somehow even worse that Markus displayed what he did as a badge of honor. Like he was supposed to feel proud of his accomplishments. I think that's why I feel such a detachment from manhood all of the sudden. I hate the "he" and I hate everything that comes along with it. The inability to call out for help, the insecurity of not being good enough for the standard. All of it. But then Nova came into my life.
It wasn't even a day ago, but it's changed everything. I felt like I belonged for the first time since last year. I was really nervous to introduce them to our group, especially Ash and Alex. They don't really like people knowing about them in any capacity, let alone from me. They're really protective of me, even Alex, who's the same age as me. I guess I'm seen as the little brother to everyone who's ever cared about me. I've settled somewhat comfortably into the role, so there's really no push and shove with anyone about how I'm treated.
When Alex looked at Nova for the first time, in the parking lot directly before the ride to Queso Place, they immediately said,
"Recruited another gay to the team, huh squirt?" I was uncharacteristically bothered by that remark, though. Even worse, they put their hand on my head. Not yet visually upset, I took their hand off of my too-curly, too-blue hair and retorted,
"It's not like they were gonna last longer than 30 seconds out there in the halls alone during lunch hour,"
It's not like I was wrong, but Ash stopped climbing into the driver's seat to say,
"Hey Steven, let's not freak out the new one on their first day, please," Nova looked at me quizzically as I tried to hide the embarrassment on my face as I realized that they didn't know my deadname until now. I shook my head a little to tell Nova to not pry. They seemed to acknowledge the gesture and asked the collective,
"Where are we even going, anyway?" The question was paired with the swift kick of a pebble, which ended up landing around 5 feet away from the SUV. I responded quickly, trying to fill the void that formed with my birth name.
"Queso Place, they make some good tacos, and have burgers n' stuff if you're not into the Mexican stuff," I tried to play it cool when I said it, making my words flow off of the tongue. I love it when I can move in conjunction with everything around, becoming an autonomous cog in the grand machine. I might be a little fucked up, now that I think about it.
In response to my "cog moment", the beat-up Honda roared to life, and Ash peeked his head out of the window and half-shouted,
"Hey, nerds. Get in the car before I get impatient and decide to leave without 'ya!" I took no time getting into the back seat, right behind the passenger. I had long given up the shotgun seat. At the beginning of freshman year, I would half-argue on who got shotgun, back when Ash only had his temps. That went pretty close to nowhere, though.
When the rest of the four of us had entered the car, Alex looked over from the passenger seat and Ash and asked,
"Is Rhodee and her crew already there, you think?" Ash replied to that by backing out of his parking spot, and muttering,
