TILL FOREVER FALLS APART

1) late night walks

𝗢𝘂𝘁 𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗼𝘄𝗻
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✦ trigger warning ✦

__ eating disorder __ self harm __ low self esteem __ mentions of suicide __

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↳ your pov ↲
Breathing in the cold air, enjoying being alone. It was a cold and dark night in New York City. I was walking through the central park, trying to clear my head. It helps me. Just walking around, all alone.

We're on tour. My aunt Billie, my dad Finneas, my mom Claudia, my cousin Delilah, my little sister Felicia, my grandparents and many people from their team. I hate being with people..

That's why I'm most of the time trying to avoid any social contact. Which sometimes doesn't work due to my whole family being famous..

I sat on a bench when I decided to finally go back to the tour bus. By now it was two a.m. and if my parents would find out that i've been going outside without any security or their permission, i'd be dead.

The walk wasn't all too long, maybe good five minutes. But when I arrived, there was light on on the bus. I got in and it was Grandma, Maggie. She looked at me with an unreadable expression.

~y/n? what were you doing outside at this time? did you had any security with you? Did mom and dad approved you?~ she asked me worried

~yes i got securities with me and yes they allowed me to go. good night, love you~ i lied but gave her a kiss on her cheek and went to bed.

As soon as my head hit my pillow, thoughts began to race. I've been dealing with a lot of dark thoughts, like actually ending myself and hurting myself. I've never gone further than pinching myself, so i never cut or anything more. Mom and dad told me it would be bad so i never done it.

But right now, these thoughts were so present that I had the urge to do it. To cut. I pushed those thoughts away thinking of what mom and dad would think of me if they'd find out. I put AirPods in and fell asleep.

next day

I woke up, still with those thoughts. You may now think, why do you have those thoughts? Your life is literally perfect. Well that may be, but my head just isn't perfect. I am not perfect. I've been having such a low self esteem, I deserve to feel pain.

I'm so ugly. I've been losing weight, not because I want to, I can't control it. I'm really trying to eat but sometimes I just can't eat that much and that's when it affects my body. My body isn't really beautiful, I don't like it. I absolutely hate it.

My face is too uneven, my nose is too spiky, my lips too small. Everytime I look into the mirror, I wonder how my parents aren't ashamed of me being their daughter. I would be ashamed if i'd be them.

I heard steps appear, mom.

~morning beautiful, get up and eat breakfast. Billie and Dad have soundcheck soon, just in case you want to come~ she smiled warmly.

I nodded and got up. Delilah is probably still asleep, she doesn't know that I have those thoughts nor that I'm always sneaking out. But i'd rather suffer in my own shit than actually telling someone how i feel.

I get dressed in some sweats and a big oversized hoodie. I hate showing my body so I cover it up with big clothes. Even if it's literally 200000 degrees. I brushed my teeth and got in the tour bus kitchen.

Everyone was there besides Delilah. I asked them where Delilah was and they said that she's still asleep. I decided to let her sleep and just started eating. I wasn't eating a lot, but I tried. Many thoughts were racing through my head..

You have to eat more

Eat more

Just a few more bites

Keep it down

If you won't eat, you'll lose weight

Just eat, it isn't that hard

Another bite come on

10 more bites

You can do it

After some while I finished eating, I ate everything. I felt good and relieved. After that I went to soundcheck to watch Billie and dad. Delilah came from behind and scared me making me scream.

We laughed and I playfully hit her. We talked a little while we listened to our parents. Felicia and Mom came too. After they finished we went and got back in the tour bus, me, Delilah and Felicia.

Me and Delilah wanted to talk about some boy stuff but Felicia came in and wanted to play with us. We declined and she began to throw a tantrum. She cried and mom sprinted in the doorway.

~oh no, what happened love?~ she asked her and held her in her arms.

~lilah and y/n/n don't play with me~ she pouted

Mom looked at us with a serious glare.

~I'm sure if you'll ask them again, they'll say yes. Right y/n!?~ she asked strict.

I looked at her and rolled my eyes.

~but we want to talk about some stuff~ i explain
~then talk about it at night, please y/n play with her. i have so many things to do, i'm just stressed out~ she pleaded.

I gave in and me and Delilah played Barbie with her. While we were playing, I zoned out, dark thoughts filling my head. Delilah quickly noticed that I'm not here with my thoughts anymore. I think she's onto me that I have bad thoughts.

She tapped my arm carefully, trying to get my attention. ~Is everything okay?~ she whispered, not wanting Felicia to know if there's something wrong. I looked at her and nodded. ~I'm okay~ I smiled.

I stood up, gave Felicia a kiss on her head and went to bed. I didn't want to talk to anyone right now. My social battery was absolutely dead, like me. I didn't want to listen to music. There were way too many things in my head to listen to more.

Delilah came and sat down next to me in my bunk. ~how are you y/n? like really~ I stared at her and just turned around facing the wall. I closed my eyes and felt a kiss on my cheek. ~just know, that no matter what it is, i'm here for you. always. i love you so much okay? now get some rest~ she told me.

She left and I let sleep take over me...