Living with Hope ✓ [ boyxboy ] [ Completed ]

20

Lex Hope

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't know anything.

Ivan's having a panic attack. He's hyperventilating and shaking profusely.

I don't know if he wants me to speak or not. His eyes are closed and he's experiencing something he doesn't want to. "Ivan," I say softly.

He's on the floor, leaning against one of the mirrors stuck on the walls of the trial room. His knees are pressed to his chest and his face is buried in the crook between his knees.

I sit beside him, my hand on his quivering back. I don't say anything for some time. Even though it's unnerving that he's having a panic attack and I don't really know what to do, I can't panic. He won't calm down if I'm not calm in the first place.

"Do you want some space?" I ask tentatively.

He shakes his head and presses his shoulder against my chest. I hold him close. "Does this happen often? Do you take any meds for this?"

He shakes his head again. I nod though I doubt he can see it. We fall back into our silence. The only sound between us is Ivan's ragged breathing and pounding heart.

"Keep talking," he says in between breaths.

"It's helping? Hearing me speak?"

He nods and buries his head on my chest. We'd be hugging if our hands were wrapped around each other.

"You're safe, all right? I know you don't believe me. I know you're scared. But there's no danger, okay? I'm right here, nothing will happen to you when I'm here."

His breathing has improved, the quivering of his back has reduced. I keep going on. "If you want anything, tell me, yeah? Water, perhaps. Should I go get some?"

He shakes his head.

"Do you want something?"

He looks up and takes my wrist. "You - I want you to stay here."

I ease and crouch in front of him. I have my hands on his shoulders. "I'm not going anywhere."

He smiles before his breathing fluctuates again. "Shit."

"Ivan, listen to me, all right? Are you listening?"

He nods.

"Okay. I want you to focus on something in this room." I look around the room, just mirrored walls and a plain white door. There's nothing he can focus on without being reminded of himself.

"Focus on me," I say. He looks up, too weak to be startled. He rests his head against the mirror and looks at me fondly. He gazes into my eyes without staring at them. I can't help but look back at his. He has Bambi brown eyes, and at this point, they're the only color in his pale face.

"Keep looking, it's fine," I mutter. His breaths are getting deeper. Good. "Now concentrate on your breathing. Breath on my count."

He nods. His hands loosen up.

"One."

I hear him inhale and then exhale.

"Two."

He does it again but it lasts shorter this time.

"Three."

He tries inhaling, but his breath constricts. He tries taking another deep breath but he can't. If I don't do anything, he'll start hyperventilating again.

"It's okay," I assure him. "Look at me. This isn't going to last very long. You want to try breathing again? We'll do it together this time?"

He doesn't respond. He presses his head on my chest and wraps his legs around my waist. "Is this okay?"