that mourning

Mable

The stars are shining bright right into my eyes.
The dark glow of the night is the most calming view.
When I look down at the street it looks like it's mid day. The streets are still very busy with cars, the only difference is that
the streets are lit by the street lights and the headlights of the cars. I prefer night over day.
I don't really have a spesific reason to.
I have trouble sleeping almost every night. I just can't get to sleep, that's probably because I don't do shit during the day.
I don't really have a daily routine anymore, I just do what I feel like doing at the moment. Which is not much nowadays.
Besides, after yesterday evening I can't really set that woman out of my mind anymore. Right now that's probably the
biggest reason I can't close an eye.

I sit up straight and touch the carpet with my feet. My whole body cracks as I stretch my arms, legs and back.
I deside to get up. I'm still wearing the clothes I put on four days ago, I must smell terrible I just don't know it, because
I'm with myself all day and night. The lights in the living room are still on. It's really cold, because the window near
the table is wide open. The curtains are flowing in the wind and papers are scattered on the ground.
As I close my window and pick up the papers my stomach starts to growl.
Should I eat something? why not. The bowl that is normally filled with fruit is empty. I look inside the
refrigerator but nothing's in there either. Pretty logical I don't really go out ever.
Again my stomach growls. For a bit i doubt, but then I deside that I have to go out someday so why not make that today.
My keys are on the bedside table, I get them and walk out.

A cold breeze blows over my arms causing the hairs to stand straight over my body.
There's a grocery store is right in front of me and there's another one 2 blocks away. There are six middle aged guys with
cigarettes in their hands in the store in front of me. Yeah no.. I am in no way going in there I tell myself.
So I walk the two blocks Just to find that there are 5 teenagers standing right in front of the other grocey store.
Are you kidding me? Right now? at 3 am you are telling me that the exact two grocery stores near my place are filled with
people? Yeah I know the stores aren't "filled" with people, but trust me in my mind this is crazy. I haven't socialised with
people in about 2 months. And I know that I don't have to "socialise" with them, but we can all agree on the fact that
when a person goes grocery shopping at 3 am it looks a little weird and when the only people in the store are teenagers I..
here we go again. I think way to much. I really need to stop with this bullcrap.
Just mann your ass up, get your stuff and walk out of there again. I can do that right?
right.
'Hi' I say to the person blocking the entrance. I have to get some groceries could you maybe..
Yes! ofcourse sorry. The person replies. Thank you so much I say.
See.. that wasn't a big deal at all I really need to get myself together.
As I get inside I look for some bread and fruit. I take some browns slices bread, 3 apples and a pear.
'Hi, good evening' a womans voice sounds at the other end of the store. I look up and see someone standing there. It's a
woman just like she sounds. She has brown wavy hair wich is covering her face. She is facing the rack with liquor.
She doesn't look like she works here, it's not like she's wearing one of those shop aprons, she's wearing-
wait that looks exactly like the dress that woman I saw yesterday evening was wearing, that woman that looked alot
like.. her.
I feel my heart missing a beat, then catching up again and starting to beat like crazy. In one finger twitch my body feels
like it's boiling.
It- nah it can't be her. I wasn't even sure before so why would it be her now all of the sudden and c'mon we can all agree
that this is a bit too coincidental.
'uhm good evening' I reply. 'Interesting time to be out shopping for..' she turns her head and looks at my hands
'groceries?' I notice my hands starting to sweat. Are you kidding me? why does my body do this to me?
I'm not even sure if it's actually her wich she's probably not. And boom my body starts freaking out.
'It is isn't it? I just got back from Australia and I'm pretty jet lagged, so I thought why not go grocery shopping?'
wow that sounds stupid. The woman turned her head back to the liquor. 'Australia that's nice, so I guess something we've
got in common is that we both can't sleep.'
'I guess' I reply. One of the apples falls out of my hands, shit.
'Am I that intimidating?' The woman says. A shiver runs through my body. 'I uh.. what? no why wou-'
I can't speak properly anymore. The woman laughs softly and looks my way. To not catch her gaze I immediatly bend down
and pick up the apple. But as I do that the other apples, pear and bread fall out of my hands.
'ofcourse' I think whisper.
'Here' The woman passes me a bag. 'Oh thank you but I'm okay' I tell here. She sighs and bends down herself. She picks
up everything I dropped and puts it in the bag. 'there you go' I try to not look up and take the bag she hands me.
'You didn't have to do that' I get up and turn around immediatly. As I start walking I feel her hand touching mine. She
grabs my hand and pulls it back towards her. Out of fright I drop the bag, but she catches it. 'Are you okay?' she asks me.
I'm still processing the fact that she just grabbed my hand like that. I have turned around again and am now facing her, but
I am still trying my best not to look at her. 'You can look at me you know, it's not like looking in my eyes will kill you'.
I pull my hand out of hers and try to take the bag she's holding. She holds on thight and bends down to see my face.
I didn't see that comming so I wasn't prepared to look away. Her eyes and mine are locked in. Her eyes are green
and it feels like she looks right into my soul. I step back and turn my head slightly to the side 'can I have my bag please'
'my bag?' she replies. 'I no.. I mean the bag you gave me sorry' 'Oh you don't have to say sorry babe.'
babe? wow that sounds alot like her, it does. It get's harder for me to deny that this woman could be her.
Her eyes.. her voice.. the way she approached me just now...
The only reason for me not to believe it's her is because I wouldn't want it to be her. But would I?
'It's pretty late and I'm starting to get tired would you please give me your bag?' I ask.
"your bag" the woman laughs 'that sounds even more funny and by the way didn't you just say you got back from Austrailia
and your jet lagged?' My body freezes. 'I guess that's right, but still..'
'I'm sorry it's late you're right I should be getting back home to.' She hands me my bag and walks away.
I stand there for about three seconds, but that's when I decide that this is my only chance and I should probably take it.
'Mable?' The woman stops walking. She turns her head a little to the side but not all the way. 'Mable, is that your name?'
I ask again.
She turns back and starts walking again. 'Damnit Mable answere me!' I didn't expect that to come out of me.
's-sorry I didn't mean that' The woman had walked around the corner.
Shit why did I do that.. I don't even know if it's actually her. I turn around and walk towards the cash register.
'You know my name but yet you ask me what it is' I stop walking and turn around. I'm looking right at her again.
'It has been a while..' She left me speechless, I have no idea what words I could use to express myself at the moment.
'Hi April' I start losing feeling in my legs wich slowly starts taking over my whole body. 'Have you lost your voice
April?' 'stop- stop saying my name like that please' I've managed to say my first sentence. 'Iike what? April'
'Like that! Just don't say my name please' Mable laughs and starts walking towards me. 'I've missed you' She says
'Bullshit' 'Wow, I didn't realise that I've had upset you, are you okay?' I answere without thinking 'yes.' She keeps
getting closer and I have no idea what to do, everything feels surreal and I feel nothing. 'April you look a little
pale are you sure you're okay?' My head feels light and I feel dizzy. Everything starts moving slowly and my body feels
weird. 'Mable stand still stop moving so much' 'uh.. April I've reached you already I'm not moving anymore?'
'Mable stop playing games you've messed with my brain enough already' I look down to my hands to see them spinning
too. I look up again and look questioningly at Mable. 'I think- I think I'm gonna..' It feels like my body got of the ground
and everything slowy fades to a dark hole. 'Jeez April you don't look to good' My eyes closes and my
body feels like it collapses. The last thing I could hear is Mable's voice fading away into the distance.