Small Gap.

I didn't know if this was real. How did I let this happen? My whole life was just a, I didn't know. I never imagined it would be like this. Seeing my reflection in the mirror right now makes me disgusted. I used to be happy you know, we all did. Back when we were kids I remember. When you were 7 or 8 years old and you didn't care what anyone else thought about you. You didn't care what kind of clothes you brought. You didn't care what the colour of your hair was or the style. You were just you and were happy to be you. But it seems when you get older you seem to care more and more. I guess that is just the way life turns out to be. A whole disappoint, well, my life is my own disappointment.

     I lifted my slightly curly hair split ends over the back of my shoulder; as I reached down to turn the tap on slightly letting a sprinkle little drop of water fall down on to the dark yet light surface of the sink. I sighed heavily knowing what would happen next. You see if I wet it first it cuts more and it seems to hurt less. Oh the razor is what I'm talking about. The small sharp razor that can do so much harm; the razor that slides gently across your skin having so much meaning. It's a pain having to do this every night. The same old daily routine; as soon as he leaves I lock myself in the bathroom and begin harming myself in every way possible I could think of. I tried burning one time; it hurt like hell which I thought wasn't the best way to harm myself. Maybe try cutting instead? Seems easier than burning right? I cleared the mirror leaving small faints of the blurry vision that I could see myself. To be honest it's easier seeing the image I hate having in front of me while I harm. It reminds me that I am the reason I'm doing this; reminds me why I should do it.

     I started about 4 months ago; it was never meant to be anything serious at all. Just thought I would try to see what it feels like. Of course, if you're going through that much pain, knowing me I loved it. It felt like I had been waiting for it to come to me; waiting for it to find its place on my skin; the scars finally found me then. I felt like they belonged there; they fit perfectly all over my skin. So I thought why not continue this? Overall it was helping me through so much that I never asked for. The first time I did this harm to myself he saw. I never thinked about hiding them because, I didn't really know what or why I did this to myself. We were watching Jeremy Kyle on a Saturday night, I remember that day because, well, who doesn't remember the day they harmed them self on purpose?

     It was so clear in my mind it would never ever be forgotten, no matter how much I tried; no matter how much I wanted to regret it. He asked me what was on my wrists; I stayed quiet as I didn't have an answer to say. Who would though? Yeah sure the old the cat scratched me trick is good, but, we didn't have a cat so that wouldn't of worked out so well. I eventually let out an excuse that I had fallen over and 'accidently' tripped up and grazed my arm. I found it easier to lie to him, then to tell him, the real truth he knew nothing about. He shrugged it off keeping his focus back on the TV screen. That day I will never forget, mostly because it's the day where it shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have started; I should have told him the truth about it all right then and there. He wouldn't be angry since I didn't know what I was doing, right? I shouldn't have started, and then I wouldn't be right here in this position. My life had to be a joke; but I didn't find this funny at all; well my face was the only funny part.

     I didn't mention why I started cutting did I? Well, let me just cut it short. I became paranoid over every other girl I saw. There was always one who had skinnier legs, perfect hair, a thigh gap, and a pretty face. Everyone else was better than me. He had no idea how I was feeling this way. See, Niall was one of the most handsomeness guys I have ever laid eyes on. And to think why he would pick me over all the other beautiful girls out there; well don't ask me because I'll never know. He should have just left at the start to avoid this; well to avoid, well me.

     I looked around the room searching for the tiny metal that I loved, but deeply hated. It was that time of the day again. The time to let out all my pain and just be free. This was the only every time I felt free; happy; well except around Niall. I used Niall razors since they were sharpest which I of course wanted. I quickly hurried over to the cupboard darting my eyes at the clock, to see I didn't have the enough amount of time that I wanted. Niall had said he left to have a quick jog and would be back in about half an hour. It wasn't the best time space, but at least I could do harm to myself after all. I hovered my hand around the bag where Niall kept them; found it.