Today wasn't the first day I felt strange about myself. I have this quote in my mind saying, "every time we walked through our doors, we cannot guarantee our safety" and it is accurate. But the thing is, even if we are not hundredth percent sure what will be going to happen to us outside our homes, we are still risking our lives to go out because it's needed, it is our job to go out in our comfort zone, and this is how life works. Sometimes it happened that when you're out and away from your house and you are needed there, it is hard for you to go home. It is hard for you to go back to where you came from when everything's happening inside feels like you aren't one of the family. Going out means looking for the things that aren't found inside the house, and when you headed back, the 'things' you were looking for are now in your palm, grasping, and embracing them, and sometimes you gave and share them to whoever needed it.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed and when bad days attacked me as if I am a worthless human that can be easily killed by something on a road, I make a bucket list of the things and ideas I can do whenever I feel too. Plot twist, I never followed them according to the plan. But again, plot twist, the universe gave us a moment and make us check them out of the list where we least expect it to be. At 5 pm, I washed so I can wash away the bad guys whispering to me to over-think as if they could carry me to another dimension and have total control over my mind. When the waters run through my naked body, I thought that my other half was right, that I am letting my mind take control and take advantage of me 'cause I am vulnerable inside, again.
As I finished preparing myself to see the world, the fear and worry arises. So, the hardest part of living your life is leaving and ignoring the bad sides. It took a lot of courage, and deep breaths to fight back the demon. I knew to myself that I have the determination to walk, so I did. I told you, whenever we walked through our doors, we cannot guarantee the things that might happen. I was supposed to ride a bike, but the moment I stepped on the pedal, the drive chain suddenly loosens its grip. I went back home and chose to make a decision, a decision that changed my mood swings. A decision I made out of a small mistake, or failure, or something unexpected happened, or I feel betrayed because I knew that I checked it before if there's something wrong with the bike, but turns out the plans were ruined. But, only my plan A didn't work out, not the goal I had in mind. If there's a lesson I learned today, is that it's fine if your plans for future actions were ruined, as long as you can keep up with your goals.
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Written Letters Whenever I Am Alone
Randomcompilations of stories I've written and wished I could talk about it but chose not to. note that the pictures used were mine.
