A strangers Child.

Oh to be held.

I knew immediately that I would have to make a choice. I could tell my parents, or I could not. The bathroom wall was chilling as my pale skin leant upon it, to everyone else, I was alone. But I knew in my heart and body that I wasn't and wouldn't ever be again.

I sat, bike locked up in the car park, waiting was a game I didn't like to play, and yet I did. The time ticked in my head as my thighs grew colder against the tarmac beneath them, it felt like I'd been there forever. He arrived, a smile spread across my blushed face, I had won the waiting game. Warmth returned to my face as his hand cupped my features and for just a moment, it was like I was the center  of someone's universe. He let go. The river we walked by flowed as if it had no cares, just splashing against the side of the bank trying to grab our ankles and pull us down to the deep. It was strange, i knew i didn't love him, but i loved the feeling, and that itself is a dangerous addiction.

Hands met skin and skin met hands, the rain danced around us, a spiritual moral support from mother nature. My phone buzzed and my heart sank. Time wasn't on my side and never had been. I unlocked my phone as he sat, his breath on my neck, my fingers gliding across the digital keyboard as I simply replied to my mother that I was safe. Of course, she thought i was alone, but being alone wasn't my religion. Within seconds, the contact of skin returned, I felt at home, even though I was out in the world with someone who wasn't my family. And just like that , it was over as quickly as it had begun. We said our goodbyes, I got back on my bike and the tires turned like cogs in my head. I wondered why i was like this, why i depended on being needed, wanted, i knew he didnt love me, and yet we acted like a married couple.

There was a knock on the bathroom door, my heart stopped. I'd been here before, but never like this. Lies mumbled out from under my breath, filling my mother's ears with reasurrence. I tucked the fragile strip of chemical madness into my pocket, to bin it would create a record of what I had done. My shaking hand gripped the dull door knob and turned it to open the door, mothers arms wrapped around me with the intention to show me she loved me, but she wasn't only hugging me, she was also hugging a flicker of life within me.