Confessions of a Depressed Teenage Girl

#1

Sometimes, I think I should just ignore everyone and stick to my own deep thoughts. Other days, I think that other people are the only possible way to increase my self-assurance. But somehow, both ways, seem to make me want to kill myself. Staying in my deep thoughts can just cause thoughts of self-harm and suicide, because I create unfaithful thoughts in my imagination of my bloodcurdling reality. On the other hand, talking to other people can increase the possibility of the first option.

At the age of 13, I thought about killing myself almost every day. I cut myself almost daily when someone even said one horrid thing about me. One funny thing is people don't really know how to react when you say you cut; some people yell, others look confused how you could do such a thing, some ask why you do it. All people who self-harm have a reason to do such a thing to their own physical appearance. Some do it as a cry for attention, some can't find another way to let their feelings and emotions out from deep inside them, others even do it because it could be considered "cool". For me, the answer is simple; I held all my thoughts, emotions, feelings, and actions inside of me all the time, until I could get home and pull my blade out of my jewelry box. Cutting was my way to express my emotions when no one else could understand. I tried talking to my parents, friends, boyfriend, anyone you could think of. No one would listen or understand. Because honestly, when I would try to explain what was wrong, I couldn't. There was so much wound up inside of my system I just needed someone who could understand my pain. And what better person then myself?!

If you knew me, you'd think I was the happiest person alive. It's a magical thing that I like to call "The Act". It's where you put on your happy mask for the day and hold everything inside of you. When you eventually can lock yourself in your room for the rest of the night, you take your happy mask off and let the real you show. The one that no one but you knows. I think that the happiest people are usually the saddest inside because the way they feel, they don't want anyone else to. Honestly, I'm the type of person who talks others out of suicide, but has trouble doing the same herself. I truthfully assure everyone how beautiful, lovely, wonderful, and perfect they all are, because I don't want anyone to feel the way I do. The complete opposite. But that's just how it is. I'm depressed, suicidal, I have trouble loving anyone, and I'm a complete utter mess-up. But you'll just have to deal with it if you want to know me.

*Authors note: this is based on a friends not myself*