All That and a Bag of Chips

Chapter 2

An eternity passed. A star was born from the dust of a nebula gas cloud, aged into a red giant, exploded into a supernova, and condensed into a black hole. An inescapable black hole that devoured Collin's heart, his soul, and his very being. In that eternity, his entire future collapsed before his eyes. The apartment he and Avery were going to lease. The engagement ring he was planning to buy. Wedding bells and baby bumps and a picket fence in the suburbs. It all dissipated into the warming morning air.

Finally, the kissing couple felt Collin's eyes boring into them, and they broke apart. Avery startled. She pushed Gina off of her. Her eyes flew to meet Collin's, but then immediately looked away, and she curled into herself.

Collin just stood there, orange juice still dripping from his hand, soaking through his shoe and into his sock. The sugary liquid lazily forged a river across the cement sidewalk and towards the curb. His mouth was agape, but he couldn't make a sound. You need air in your lungs to speak, but Collin couldn't breathe.

Gina broke the silence. "I'll give you guys a minute," she said, straightening the lapels of her leather biker's jacket. Then she tenderly touched Avery's arm. "I'll be waiting in the parking lot when you're ready."

She crossed the street and walked into the two story parking structure and took a seat next to a row of parked motorcycles. She was out of earshot, but her silhouette was still in view. Would always be in view.

Collin woke from his stupor. A crackling fire igniting in his gut. "When?" he spat the word.

Avery still didn't meet his eyes. "It just sort of happened."

"When were you going to tell me?" He could feel the heat clawing up his throat and his ears burning. "After we signed a lease, or before?"

"Collin, I'm sorry," she finally lifted her eyes, but her chin remained resting on her chest.

Tears formed in the corners of his eyes, perched on his bottom lid, and threatened to fall. He wiped at them furiously and swallowed down the lump forming in his throat. "Why the charade? Why go on all those apartment tours?"

"I didn't want..." She shook her head, then pushed herself away from the wall and took a step in his direction. "I wanted to be happy with you. I still love you, Collin."

A laugh bubbled up from some dark pit that had formed in his stomach and erupted from his throat, as hot and painful as lava. "If you love me, then why are you kissing her?"

Avery didn't answer. Instead, she walked past him and to the corner where there was a bench next to a recently planted maple tree sapling. She sat, folding her hands on her lap, nervously fiddling with the dragon-skull sterling silver ring that she wore on her left thumb.

After a beat, Collin followed her and sat down on the bench's edge. The space between them felt cold and expansive. "So?" he prompted.

She didn't look up. Just kept fiddling with her ring.

As he waited for Avery to gather her words, Collin spared a glance at the store. He could see Tom making a smoothie. Sadie, a cute bank teller who worked a few blocks away, was laughing at something he said while she waited for her order: a large Blueberry Blast with an extra scoop of raspberries and two scoops of Immunity Booster.

"I know it's cliche to say that it's not you, it's me," Avery started.

Collin whipped his head around at the sound of her voice. "You're right. That is fucking cliche, Avery."

"Let me finish." Her dark brown eyes welled with tears. "Please."

Collin said nothing, but he nodded once.

"I'm a lesbian."

"You've always been a lesbian," he cut in. "That didn't stop you from being with me before."

She let out an exasperated breath and fluttered her hands in the air. "Yes, but you haven't always been a man."

Collin could feel his fingertips go numb. His body threatened to shut down. What could he say in response to that? He'd always been a man. Avery knew that. Had affirmed that when he came out to her during their senior year of high school. They had waxed poetic until the early hours of the morning, talking about gender identity and transgressing norms. Had gone to support groups. Attended rallies. Three years of being his biggest cheerleader.

And now she was using his transition against him?

"That's fucking low," he muttered, not able to summon the strength to say anything more coherent.

"Collin," she said. They were the lips that used to say his name with longing, whispered against him under sweat-soaked sheets. But those lips had betrayed him. His name no longer belonged in her mouth.

"I need to go back to work." He stood.

She reached out, fingers grazing his knuckles. "I was becoming invisible."

He looked down at her. "What do you mean?"

"When I tell people that I have a boyfriend, they assume that I'm straight. And that used to be fine for me because when I introduced you to them, they knew I wasn't."

If she had slapped him, it would have hurt less.

She continued, "But since you started T last semester, things have changed. You have facial hair. More muscles. Even your smell is different now."

"You supported me." The words felt hollow, but they had to be said.

"I do support you. This is who you are. Who you are meant to be. And, as much as you can't hear me right now, I do love you. Will always love you. But I also have to be true to who I am. And that is someone who loves women."

"So, you love Gina?"

"No!" She took a deep breath. "I don't know. I don't think so. Not yet, at least."

"Okay, well then." He turned, not able to face the tears that had no right to be in her eyes. "I can't leave Tom in there alone any longer. I'm on the clock."

Without looking back, he walked into the store and went to the register. Two new customers had walked in and he needed to take their orders.